A Hard Pill To swallow

Time. Time keeps passing by the way you turn on and off a light switch, the way the sun rises and sets like clock work each day. I’m stuck in the same place, for years my feet have been planted like cement. I’m trapt in my own mind like my own personal cocoon thats constantly on fire, offering no semblance of growth or protection. The caterpillar cocoons out of instinct, no rule book, no play by play, it just knows when its time. I unfortunately and not a caterpillar, each day when my eyes open i dont have any instincts any sense of self, i just am. I wake up and think about how to get through the day. How do i deal with all the thoughts constantly rushing at me, in me, thats a skill i have not mastered yet. I grew up in a home where the walls constantly burned, smoke filling my lungs no matter which way i ran or which room i hid in. There was no hiding, i was in a see through cage not of my own making.Take a breath, my mom loves me, my dad loves me, my parents failed me, take a breath. My parents never intended to cause so much irreparable damage and yet here i am, my pieces strewn left and right, here and there. They failed at their most basic job as a parent, protecting me. That’s a hard pill to swallow, and every day i try to swallow it without water, my throat dryer than sand, raw and bleeding from all the times iv tried and failed. I keep trying to make peace with things, i think one day ill get there but right now the hurt is just…all consuming. The person who was supposed to be a protector, a best friend, a confident and partner in crime, obliterated me and obliterated my life. It took me a really long time to admit what happened, to be able to say the words “I was Raped”. Not once, not twice but a number I’m to afraid to even know. I was sexually assaulted for years.Then i have to add all of the other things in to the recipe of things that screwed my brain up. The name calling, being made to feel like i was the most disgusting, vile creature that had ever dared to set foot on this earth. The amount of hatred i formed for myself, because someone who was supposed to love me and be my family, thought so lowly of me than i really must be awful. My home was not much of a home. There was no semblance of safety, creating an environment where the only warmth i knew was the anxiety that burned inside my chest.The dinner table,resembled a fight ring. Mom would put down the mashed potatoes, id get a death stare across the table. Down goes the corn, “stupid cunt” was mouthed over the pads of butter, the pork chops are done cooking and hell breaks lose. My ears ring to this day, wooden chair legs scraping across the floor, plates being flung, my father doing his best to parent a monster that wears a human skin. My mother, the house wife who tries to fix all, tries to cover it all up and pretend the damage never happened.I often wonder if her ears ring like mine.Ring, ring ring. Someone please help me, i cant do this all on my own, ring ring ring…dial tone.Im alone. I often still feel that, I’m the only one who was willing to finally stand up and try to change, try to change, try to better. Ill hold that trophy till the day i die, i was the brave one.