Visions of Bones

Originally started in 12/2015 and finished 01/2023

I am really really close to my childhood weight again. I've found myself back in the hands of bullies and stress that's caused me to shrivel up.

Over 15 years ago...

I was always defending myself to my peers about my appearance. I looked frail and fragile and visually broken inside. I can't stand another pass of hurtful comments, so I hid. Instead of going to school, I climb into a space in the carport of our apartment complex and wait out the day. I wait until it's time to walk and go pick up my siblings from school. It was my job to get them to school and get them home. And at 14, this was just a normal thing for me to do. I had no friends, no family close by that cared, I just had myself, my siblings, and my drug zombie mom.

The hardest part about being that young and going through the things I went through I had to figure it out on my own. There wasn't someone there waiting to instruct me with a manual how to survive your mom. A huge part of why I would spend most of my time waiting for school to end was because of the bullying I was around. In 9th grade I probably weighed 70 lbs and no taller than 5 feet. I was nicknamed Tiny Tina by nearly anyone and everyone, it was just easier to call me Tiny Tina than Tina I guess. I remember having a crush on a kid in my class and finally building up courage to say something.

This day was filled with red flags but I just didn't listen. The first red flag was my siblings not getting ready for school on time as this was a day I planned on attending school. The second red flag was running late to school, it was odd anxiety because I hardly went to school so why was I even nervous about being late? I make it to class and the next red flag leans over and takes a big smell off me and says, "I love when you come to class because you smell like the cigarette I just put out." while exhaling the air they just saturated in for 10 seconds.

That, that should have told me to run, don't walk just run home. But I stood in place waiting to see a familiar face. When I saw their face walk in the class it was like my mind was doing ninja kicks and flips to the flags that kept waving in my face. My heavy feet walked to their desk and I said, "Hey Chris I like you and I was curious if you liked me too?" suddenly I felt like all the eye were on me at that second. Chris without hesitation and quicker than I could run out of the room says, "Ha, Tiny smelly Tina likes me? Never in a million years would I like you." And that's pretty much the end of my dating life, normal life, friend life, life life.... the end. It felt like it was the end of me.

And as I write this (in 2023) remembering what I went through and how I got through it, I probably would have done the same thing. The world tells you, be you and don't apologize. That's why I would do it again. I am who I am, I can't change that I am a product of my environment. I can't change that my mom wasn't there for me when I needed a mom. I can't change that I didn't have a father to show me how I should be treated. I can't change that I grew up with a step father who hated me and reminded me of such. I can't change that I grew up hungry wearing clothes that didn't fit, that wasn't clean, that smelt of burnt dreams. But I can change what I teach my kids and they will know a much better life than I was given, a much better life than I could have ever imagined.

They will never have a vision of bones.