I used to be scared of dogs,

Now I’m scared of the person behind,

A stray sound,

A footstep,

And my mind snaps to the worst case scenarios.

To the what if’s

What if I’m gone tomorrow,

Who would grieve,

Who would look for me,

If anyone would care.

What would happen to my book,

My room,

My stuff.

I’m scared of the before,

The during,

The after.

What comes next?

Isn't that the big question?

So I keep looking behind me,

Checking for my phone,

Hiding it from view,

As a last resort.

My mind running through what to do,

Call a friend,

Or duck into a building,

Hoping there's someone to help,

Running,

keeping distance,

Keeping my wrists far apart,

and my neck protected.

How to get out of what happens next,

Grabbing anything I can find before I leave,

A sharp hair clip,

Scissors,

Even just to walk by myself,

Always checking behind me,

Clocking those around,

Checking,

Checking,

Checking.

Never another peaceful walk,

Always watching,

Careful not to slip up.

I wish to meet the girl that is isn't scared of the dark,

Not the dark like. kid is,

Where nightlights are the answer.

The dark behind me,

The emptiness,

The abyss.

Where the answer is a thing of pepper spray,

Self defense.

I used to be scared of getting trouble in school,

Now I’m scared I’ll die there,

From a stranger,

Holding my life in their hands,

Going from a math class,

To sheltering in a corner.

To then acting like nothing happened the next day,

When the school’s incomplete,

And my peers are hurting.

This isn't normal,

But why do we normalize this?

Why do we normalize the announcements,

The 'we're here for you,'

The councilor support,

Trying to help those still standing,

Rather than cutting it off at the source.

I wish I could go back to when lock down drills were just a moment,

A chance to read.

The rare quiet in the day,

When I never actually thought about what it meant.

Back when everything was easy,

When my biggest worry was a papercut,

Or an annoying neighbor,

A homework assignment worth nothing,

When I could enjoy the moments,

The time,

The sweet gifts,

The toys I begged for,

Making some empty promises,

saying I'll do this and that.

And not worry if it’s my last words,

Or if I’ll ever see my friends again,

Or if that project I've put off will remain unfinished,

Collecting dust in the corner,

A waste of money,

A waste of space,

I wish I could just go back,

When everything was easy,

If I could have never changed,

Enjoying every thing with bliss,

The unbridled joy of kids.

Like the world was perfect.

I wish I hadn’t changed,

And gone and grown up,

Ruining everything.

Why can’t I enjoy this time,

Why can’t teens catch a break,

It’s just one thing after another.

From grades,

To stress,

To relationships,

To social media.

Why can’t society see that we're crying out for help?