Repeat

"You have more to learn..." That familiar voice spoke to me once again. Only I could hear it, but she was as real as I could imagine. There I was, in front of a man whose eyes spoke to me. It all happened so fast I didn't know what hit me. I stood there through the lies, confusion, emotional pain, mental exhaustion, and more. Love is all that mattered, is what I've always believed. As long as you love someone, you are able to overcome all. I never stopped to think that maybe it mattered if it was returned just the same.

"Don't leave me!" he plead each time we fought. He was the wolf and I, the rabbit. "Of course I won't. I don't plan on it."

Over and over, he lead me into his traps, where I accepted tainted truths and volatile behavior. It was then I had a flashback to grade school where a similar dynamic took place:

"You're still my friend right?" She asked with watery eyes. I had just received hateful words from her very lips, those which pierced my heart as she was my only "true" friend, or so I thought. "Of course", I said with a faint smile. Over and over, she made me feel trapped by her side. I wanted more friends, but it wasn't allowed on her watch. I was a good friend...I was the best friend...I don't let people down and I forgive easily. Why would I ruin that?

Until one day, I had enough. My heart couldn't take it anymore and so I let everything out. There was anger, sadness, and confusion, but it was for my own good. I felt so selfish, but I knew it was the only way. "I'm not the same person anymore. I'm stronger than I used to be."

My eyes wide and fixated upon this man, I realized that I haven't changed at all. In fact, maybe I stuffed it all down and acted like I was strong. Really, I had repeated my behavior just the same. All those years I wore a shield in hopes others would notice and leave me alone. That was my dilemma: I wanted to be left alone in fear of getting hurt, but I didn't want to be alone really. Nobody does.

"Of course nobody wants to alone. The ones who do are always suffering in silence. Are you going to do what's right?" There's that voice again. Always bothering with me with wisdom and rhetorical questions.

"Yeah...sure, but I'm not sure what's right anymore."

"Look outside your window."

"It's 1 AM what could possibly be out there?"

"...You'll see."

To my surprise, there was a lady pushing a stroller. Inside was something white faintly glowing.

"This is unusual..."

Everything around me faded as my eyes opened. "I knew that was too weird to be happening for real."

The baby has kicked a few times now. Soon enough it'll be kicking in this world and not me. It's been an entire two day and a half days since Logan has been home, let alone returned my call. He wanted this. Why does he still do this to me, to both of us? Yesterday we were going to pick up some things for the baby.

"Hey Babe!" Loud footsteps came closer as I reached for the bat under the couch, just in case.

"Woah! It's just me. I'm home."

"Yeah, it's about time. Where have you been?" He's lucky I didn't swing it at him.

"I told you. I went to my uncle's to help him out with a few things. He's going to be moving soon, " he said with his lip curled slightly.

"Okay, but I tried calling and you never got back with me. Do you remember what we were supposed to do yesterday? You did say you'd be back early enough to help shop for our baby. Remember?"

"Oh shit, I totally forgot! I'm so sorry. We can go today."

His phone lit up and I could barely make out what popped up: Brittany...

That woman again? I'm going to keep quiet this time. We don't need to argue like this when the baby is here, so we won't do it now. Still, it's going to eat me alive. I know he had to have been with her the past 54 hours or so. It's not the first time. Do I want to hear more excuses and be told I'm insecure? Be called a bitch? No, it's not even worth it. Besides, maybe she's just trying to reach him.

"You know exactly the truth so why don't you confront him and do what's best?"

Ah...that lovely voice calls. It's always the perfect time. She knows damn well why I won't say anything. Why can't she do something about it if she's so detached from this world?

"Babe, are you alright? You look like you've seen a ghost. Are you hearing that voice again?"

I should have never mentioned that to him. No doubt I was drifting off looking a little uneasy.

"No, I'm fine. Just have stuff on my mind."

"If you're hearing that voice and it won't leave you alone, maybe it's time we take you somewhere for he-"

"I DON'T NEED HELP!" I couldn't keep it cool much longer, not after that. "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO NEEDS HELP! ALWAYS WITH SOME OTHER WOMAN, GETTING DRUNK, GETTING HIGH, AND WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE WHEN WE HAVE A BABY ON THE WAY!"

"That's it. I've had enough. WE ARE TAKING YOU TO THE HOSPITAL OKAY? THE MENTAL HOSPITAL!" Always accusing me of stuff I didn't do and wouldn't do, but I'm the one with a problem? Hearing a voice who also tells you I'm doing stuff? Yeah, no...WE'RE GOING NOW!"

I fought back as much as I could to not let him put me in that car. It was of no use.

"You cooperate or I'll call the cops and tell them that little voice of yours told you to try and kill me. How's that, huh? You want me to do that instead or do you want to get help the easy way?"

I wouldn't look at him. Silence was my answer. When we arrived, the doctor asked what had been going on. There was nothing I could really say. That voice was real. She was always right and never wanted me to do harm. Still, I had to say something or else Logan wouldn't let me leave until I did.

"There's something I hear in my head and it won't go away..." I only explained enough so that it made me look somewhat crazy. That's what Logan wanted to hear. It's what he wanted me to think...what he wanted everyone to think. In fact, maybe he was right all along.

"I'm going to give you a low dose of Olanzapine. It shouldn't cause harm to the baby. Do keep us informed of any symptoms or reactions."

Logan looked sad yet pleased. "Great, I'm sure this will work well. Thanks so much Doc."

I rolled my eyes while looking at the wall.

Three months have passed and the baby is about due. Of course, her voice had been with me all along, chiming in whenever she pleased. Still, I didn't really do what was right. I mean, I tried but it didn't work. Maybe it wasn't right after all or perhaps it wasn't the right time. Logan did whatever Logan wanted while I sat there carrying our child; but you know, he was out helping family, the one he despised.

"Today is your last chance. We don't have much time left," she whispered to me.

"Well, if I don't do anything different, what's going to happen? Look...I've tried. I've tried but he comes back with all thi-"

"Abuse...it's abuse, my child. It's not always physical. You have to know this by now. Let it keep happening and you'll be in a facillity for months or worse, be alone the rest of your life because of fear."

The pain was unbearable. Much to my surprise, Logan got me to the hospital in no time. He stood there in the room to watch. I wondered if he loved to see me in pain, as I often was with him. Voices were shouting as my body became weak and hot. The room was spinning. "You'll have to decide." All I could hear was her voice. There was darkness and a feeling of what I could best describe as peace, as I never truly felt peace before this.

"Welcome...I'm glad to finally meet you on this side."

"Wh-Where am I? Actually I'd rather know who you are, finally," I could barely get my words out. In fact, I wasn't speaking at all. Only in my mind could I speak.

"Well, you can call this place whatever you like. It just is. As for me, I am your great-great-great-great-great grandmother, maternal. Call me Maggie if you'd like."

I didn't know what to say. All this time a long deceased family member had been talking with me and I wouldn't have known. Nobody remembered her.

"Oh, but you remembered. You could feel me in your blood each time you felt anger against that man, as well as the frustration with yourself. This has been going on for generations. I had faith in you to finally turn things around for good. Now is your chance to try again."

"What do you mean? I tried several times with fail. Wait, am I not alive anymore?"

"You tried, but not in the way you needed. You need not cling to what kills you slowly but surely, not in the body, but spirit. Now here you are, your body has given up. It is all because of what you allowed, you know. Have no fear! You do have a chance to try again, but this time, from the beginning. It'll actually be easier that way to change the patterns born of our blood. You see, until we heal our past hurts, we cannot move forward into a happy future. The ones before you have tried as well. The past will only repeat, and that's something none of us want. Do you wish to live again? Do you wish to create a new generation of dreams come true?"

"I do. I can't promise I'll be able to, but I can do my best."

"Very well...I believe in you. I have all this time. That's why I chose to talk to you. You'll have a gift waiting to help you remember, but there's no guarantee you'll recall clearly if at all, but it's all you're allowed."

"Thanks, Maggie. I'll do everything I can to do..." The darkness dissipated into light. Maggie's voice faded as she told me "I love you." Suddenly, my mind was blank. There was nothing to think...nothing to remember. I couldn't even feel. Voices echoed as I could only see faint light and shapes.

"I'll take care of you. I'm not the best man in the world but I promise to take care of you, little Jane." Hands pressed against me, my eyes opened to see a face. He looked familiar. Where have I seen him?"

"Deja Vu", a gentle voice whispered. "This is your Repeat."