IcarusLaughed

I have many names across many places.

I have been known as Zee, Zedd, Rainbow, Zenora that one silly time, Connie, Ms P, and many more.

Most of these are just names.

Some of which were names I gave to parts of me I did not understand were pieces of my whole.

But that's a story for another time.

The name you have here has a simple explanation.

You see, I'm eighteen.

Please don't use my age to judge me, there are so many other things I get judged by already.

Things I wish people never decided to care about in the first place.

If no one chose to care about weight or race or class or wealth or sexuality or gender or...

The world would be different, wouldn't it?

But I suppose that wouldn't be very human of us.

Sorry to ramble.

And on with the show.

You know the story of Icarus, right?

There was a boy who was trapped on an island with his father.

And one day, his father had a most brilliant plan.

"Come, Icarus.

My darling boy.

We shall flee this place.

I have invented wings for our flight and nothing and no one can stand in our way!"

Little Icarus was excited.

Who knows how old, exactly.

I'd like to think he's my age but choose which you will for I have been him since I was eleven years old.

The day came.

They flapped their wings and they flew.

What no man had ever done before, they achieved it.

And Icarus flew.

And Icarus flew.

And Icarus flew... A little too high.

His father had warned him.

Not too much, not too little.

These are your limitations, young one.

You must do it this way and only this way or...

But Icarus didn't want to just glide in the middle.

Icarus was human.

Curious.

Passionate.

A whole lotta stupid.

So you know what he did?

The very opposite of what he was told to do.

His fascination with the sun made him soar...

Higher and higher...

His want for something more than just this, it cost him

Everything

And suddenly, he wasn't flying.

He was falling.

It means many things to me, his reach for the sun and crash to the waves.

Too many to begin to say.

Because I have been Icarus so many times that I felt it fitting to take his name, perhaps a piece of him with me as well.

His courage.

To be foolish.

To be so maddeningly foolish as to reach for a glow with a fire that he knows will burn him.

Kill him, if it has to, if it must, as long as he feels his warmth even a little while.

It was Camus that said "we must imagine Sisyphus happy".

I once read a version in which the sun loved Icarus so much it saves him.

But that's wishful thinking, beautiful as it may be.

It is always us, in the end, that save ourselves.

And there is beauty to his particular tragedy.

To sinking beneath the waves as he did, knowing he got closer to the sun than anyone ever had.

Knowing he tried.

Knowing he could have cruised along the middle just as he was meant to.

Choosing to be a mad, naive fool anyway.

I'm yet another mad naive fool on a planet where people like us are bottom-barrel.

And well... Living is hard.

Being a person who can't fight against and repress the urge to chase after my suns feels akin to all forms of insanity, feels almost criminal

You must be smart, money-minded, good enough.

Be just like you should be, just like everyone should be, no complaints, no shaking.

And then, you will be happy.

...I tried.

I failed.

And then I realised that if I am going to end up drowning anyway, I might as well make a jolly good joke of it.

Have a laugh or two wherever I can find the strength.

We take life too seriously, don't we?

We must imagine Sisyphus happy.

And perhaps, just maybe...

The boy in love with the sun laughed as he fell.