The Weeping Frog

Long long ago, the world was very different from the one we live in now. There were many things that today are commonplace, and before were only the raving dreams of the possessed, or the drooling undermedicated. Greatest among these differences was the gaping absence of hamburgers.

You see, what we take for granted, and depend on for sanity; a beef patty lovingly grilled, and emplaced between two buns, along with melted cheese, bacon, tomatoes, mustard pickles and lettuce, was a thing which caused many to doubt their mental health, and arouse suspicions of demonic possession, or foreignness.

What people ate back then was frogburgers.

preparation was much as you coukd imagine; They took frogs, stuck them between two halves of a bun, desperately added condiments , vegetables and other forms of culinary camouflage to hide the cruel, cruel fact that they were eating an amphibian. oh, but You must understand that these were dark times. Times of famine and plague, war and ignorance. Perhaps, a frogburger was a result of these conditions, perhaps it was the underdeveloped meat mincing technology, most likely it was just a lack of imagination, and a ready unquestioning acceptance of the familiar.

People ate frogburgers for lunch and dinner, and at times, even for breakfast. It was by no means a food for the paupers of the land; the greatest of kings , the dukes and earls all ate frogburgers as well, though their offeribgs were fourished with garnish and bacon. eating a frogburger was not something to be proud of or boast of (indeed, portraits of the time show the regal personages standing beside fruit, and goblets of wine and never much else), but neither was it a source of shame.

All this changed one day, when one of the least-known monarchs of that dark age, Randolph the second, went hunting.

During the warm spring day, he galloped among the trees of this royal forest, ready to send an arrow through any trophy animal he could find.

Most propitiously, that day, he chose to dismount his steed at some point. Why he did this, is unknown, but what is known, and shall never be forgotten is what followed...

As he stepped on the soft soil, he must have observed eagerly the beauty of nature; the light cast through the foliage, the birds taking wing, mists of his breath as they diffused in the crisp morning air.

And then, his gaze turned downwards.

He saw a frog.

King Randolph, looked at the frog for a long time, the frog looked at him. And then the king saw tears welling from the eyes of the frog. Perhaps they were no tears at all, but merely moisture, beading on the amphibians’ skin, thus giving it the appearance of weeping.

there are other explanation for what transpired. Perhaps frogs at the time were more emotional then they are today. Perhaps the things that the frog had seen and its inability to express and find comfort with others of its kind had brought it to that sad state. Whatever the reason may be, the king was not unmoved. In fact, he began to cry as well.

such is the way with the himan heart, that we often feel in ourselves the pain of others.

And so they stood there in the forest clearing, the monarch of a weak , soon to be conquered kingdom, and the weeing frog. Both shedding tears.

By noontime, the king's mood improved. Lunch was often his preferred time of day. There was merriment and entertainment and much to drink in the castle hall. The king sat down upon the cushioned chair, rubbing his hands in eager anticipation, hoping for some new delicacy to entice his appetite.

The page boy served him a large platter, covered by a dozen expertly made frogburgers. These frogburgers were the best that the kingdom had to offer. artisan cooks and spit boys in the depth of the castle kitchen, worked tirelessly to prepare the frogburger in such a way, that it would offer a new, and exciting culinary experience. Rare spices and condiments were employed, the freshest of vegetables, cheese of exquisite quality was lovingly melted over the forg and rashers of the choicest of smoked bacon, so crisp and pungent were provided for the king alone.

And yet when the king ssw this rich display of cookery, he fell into a muddy gloom.

Isn’t it enough, he thought, to spend the day with concerns of state, with hardships and worries, that we may at least deserve to relish in those rare moments of life whence joy is at hand? that we may grasp it and suckle on that greasy bounty? Why must the life we lead be heaped upon more by the feeling of regret and sorrow, only to then be added to with the final jab of guilt?

So heavily pondered the king.

With the prodding of his ministers and doctors , kibg Randolph tried forcing himself to eat one of these lovingly prepared frogburgers. after all, it was a thing he was most familiar with until now. but he merely slouched in his regal throne, resting his muscular arm upon the armrest, the frogburger held in his hand, far away, and him, hungry no more.

He brooded over the state of the world, and mostly of the injustice that was committed , by all around him, who felt no compunction in devouring their own servings of frugburgers.

By nighttime, thoughts of the weeping frog, and the revoltion he felt, had taken their toll. He could not sleep and felt deep disgust for the world around him.

The next morning, when the courtiers came to attend to him, and to seek his daily commands he flew into a fearsome rage. A wrath so great. it was fueled by both hunger and a hard sleepless night.

“I am the king!” He screamed, and his face reddened. “And from today on, let it be known that the the consumption and even preparation of frogburgers shall be no more!! under pain of death, let those who repeat the offence, of hunting frogs, and emplacing them between two buns with the intention of eating them themselves or with the thought of providing it as food for others be outlawed. let those offenders of this crime be drawn and quartered!! so say we, the king!!"

When asked, by the ministers , what does he propose to serve in lieu of the frogburgers, the king had no easy answers. He was not a cook after all, and such concerns where not the purview of his occupation as master of the kingdom. But come hell or high water, no frogburger shall be allowed to be made in his realm.

The enforcement of his edict was rigorously pursued. No leniency was allowed and no excuse was accepted. All abided by his rule, and dined no more on frogburgers. strangely, there was much nostalgia for thst wretched dish.

It was then , in the desperate search for alternative preparations of food, that beef was tentatively ground along with herbs and seasoning, and fried in large circular shapes, that resembled a frog’s plump body. This attenpt was found to be meritorious and satisfying a great deal more than the yearned for. it was a thing that sent medival europe all astir.

Beefburgers and Randolph the second’s kingdom would have enjoyed a great renaissance of flourishing arts and music as a result, where it not for the conquest that befell it soon thereafter.

Luckily, the making of minced meat, frog-like patties was not forgotten. and the art of hamburger making has remained with us ever since.