The Mark Twain Robbery

I robbed a bunch of 3rd graders out of money. I did it, and I was proud that I did.

This is a completely true story so if you’re morbid like me and enjoy thievery and connivery, you’ve come to the right story for you. If you aren’t me I don’t quite understand you, but I’ll respect your opinion. If it makes you feel any better, I was also in 3rd grade at the time just stealing from my classmates.

All’s forgiven? Yes, good. On we go.

When I was in 3rd grade, we read “The Adventures of Tom Sawyer” in class and then watched the movie right after. Everyone in the grade had it read to them, obvious naughty words taken out, and what was noticeable to me was that I connected with the book far more than anyone else. Everyone I talked to didn’t like it and said it was too hard to read and boring. But I didn’t think that way.

I saw Tom what I saw in myself, ans I saw in myself what I saw in Tom. He was a clever kid my age and though he was clever and conniving, he was well respected and generally liked. I wanted to be like him, successful in his endeavors and able to go on these adventures, even in a life-threatening sense. The book propelled me into a similar clever state, and I began to always look for ways to be like Tom Sawyer. And that set me up for something special.

Now, when I went to elementary school we only got 1 field trip through our four years there, at least 1 actual big field trip, and year after year, that trip was the Mark Twain field trip where the entire 3rd grade got to go to Hannibal, Missouri and check out the Mark Twain museum as well as take a tour through the Mark Twain cave. I was ecstatic. But there’s a special part of the trip I’m leaving out.

We took a cruise ship across the Mississippi River to get to Hannibal.

You’re reading that right, a cruise ship. A smaller ship, sure, but we’re talking about a cruise ship, and being the adventurous child I was, I couldn’t have been happier.

One thing to note about this trip is that the cruise ship ride took an hour and a half to actually get into Hannibal. That’s incredibly slow. If you know the Mississippi, you know that it’s a long river but it’s not exactly wide, so the ship was going super, super slow.

At the time this story really kicks off it must’ve been around 10:30, which was roughly around the time we’d have snacks at school and so everyone was feeling hungry and getting into the snacks they’d packed with them. I remember I had a footlong Subway sandwich with me that day and I didn’t want to waste it and so instead of eating part of it, I decided to wander around the ship.

Now everyone was out on the dock eating in the sun, chatting and having a great time. Some were like me, deciding not to eat, but they sat and enjoyed the weather. I continued to look around.

Around the back side of the ship was a cafe that nestled downstairs with only 1 sign proving its existence. The teachers must’ve known about the cafe but decided not to mention it to everyone so we could save our money for souvenirs or something like that. I only had $10 but I wanted to check it out, and so I made my way down.

This cafe was the best cafe I’ve ever been to in my life. It had windows that let you look at the river outside at eye-level, the waves splashing against the side of the ship. And most important of all, cheap, cheap prices.

I’m sure the concept of this cafe is foreign and wasted on everyone today, but it was so cheap and inexpensive that a soda was 5 cents and a refill was a quarter. Full-sized candy bars were 50 cents each, slices of pizza was 50 cents, a tray of nachos was $1, it was incredible. I felt the place wasn’t even real. I thought of something in that moment, something that would turn the trip on its head.

I got myself a soda and went back upstairs onto the dock and told people about the cafe and the low prices, only . . . I didn’t tell them the actual correct prices. With the food and drinks being so low and me being generally liked and trusted, me saying sodas were $1 each and slices of pizza being $2 each boded well with my classmates, and I swear to God, people started paying me to go down to the cafe in the bowels of the ship and deliver them food and drinks.

If the setting was any different, this plan wouldn’t have worked, and as I’m writing this I understand that this sounds incredibly fake, but think about it. You’re on a cruise ship bathing in the sun and some kid offers to run and get you some food; the kid is basically like your servant. You can order him around and have him get you whatever you want, and you know he’s not cheating you because he’s told you the prices. I really do believe that if I had tried this anywhere else it wouldn’t have worked, but with it being an amazing day out nearing the end of the year, it must’ve made some kids feel a sense of freedom.

Of course, I kept the change for myself. That’s how this whole scheme worked; they trusted me about not stealing money because I didn’t take any more than my fake prices, and I always gave the correct change to not look suspicious.

The plan worked big time. I mean, it worked so well that after all was said and done with the souvenirs (of which I only got 3), I had $42. That means, adding up what I paid for the soda and approximate totals for the souvenirs, I took roughly $44.55 cents from my classmates. That’s absolutely insane. I remember running back and forth that whole hour and a half, and with people wanting multiple things at once, I made money really, really fast.

I was Tom Sawyer, I was on top of the world.

So I get home with all this money and the coins are all loud in my lunchbox and as the money gets loud, I get scared. I know that if my parents catch me with the money they’re going to be extremely upset and have me give all the money back, which wouldn’t only mean that I would lose all that money but I’d lose my status, I’d lose the way everyone liked me. And so with almost no other option, I decided to put the money, all of it, into a big, fluffy sock.

I don’t know why I did it, I don’t know why a sock, but I did. And for a lack of better words, the sock was put in the washer and was never seen again, at least by me. I’m sure my parents found it and took it and thought of it as a gift from God or something, but I never saw it again. All that work went straight to my parents probably. And that’s always made me think that maybe it is okay to steal from kids.