I Forgot The Sun

I forgot the sun as my steak sizzled on

charcoal pan

just as white rice began to foam up

I forgot that brilliant orb above my urban den,

coursing unswept time and waltzing with wandering planets…

Behind oblique blinds

below oblivion and uncertain genesis

I stood learning from my faulted creators

across warped projects cowboys slung shells and crystals,

rogues dwelling corner stores for rationales-

stuck in their own cigarette buds and mercurial nights.

Knock on eggshell plaster and faux brick complexes,

bullet sponge walls call my inhibitions.

I lived behind walls and blinds

looked at what could be

scraping city desert

advancing grains of misfortune, watching mother and brother escape to work

hours turn to dollars; dollars to another month... (thank you)

I forgot the sun as January weaved grey wool web

skiing winter air on my way back home

fever dream steam rolls as wind wails from

twenty dollar box fan;

she used to brush my curly black hair strands

when sickness burned as a noon sun in humid Texas.

I forgot the sun when I left work,

greeted by puffy silhouetted phantoms

crescent moon partially gracing

gushing industrial parapets

smoke stacks spinning silky spirals:

industry and troposphere colliding.

Soon I forgot playing out with E– and K–

simulating war, nerf guns and child antics

chasing K– with chrome plated toy snub nose,

red grip melting by night’s shadowy embrace.

I forgot the sun as my sisters face vanished

from my hormone suffocated hippocampus;

all was clear and primitive

synapses formed orange-burst supernovae within a span of muttered hatred.

Villainous anthem chambered suicidal blots

scrambled in the infinite slots of space and time.

I calculated all I could be through mythic philosophy

dug in school libraries for who I was in an unknowable vastness.

Soon that glittering disco ball that sings light

fled from fading faculties

I reached behind it, studied every devilish flare,

blinded by every being and leaf that crossed divine horizons.

Each person I loved turned to distant ashes,

every summer party, family gathering squandered!

Friends and allies in my ongoing war with yielding youth;

some naïve and movie-like view of growth; some romanticism of early life:

A perfection manufactured in a universe of poems and

awe-inspiring media.

Slowly the raging giant descended streaking palettes of red, orange, and

purple throughout tempered skies; kicking out gentle gusts of bruised breaths;

hurling hordes of warrior stratocumulus jet streams.

I altered fated elements, compounds compressing ill chest revised:

I played with snickering molecules to win against unfair circumstances.

for a moment air fluttered, a sun blocked out in fear of endless possibilities reemerged.

Soon butterflies pranced in my bubbling gut, acid splashing stomach walls

immediately I realized what had tricked me: angst.

Like a trojan horse it arrived and ended my halcyon storm.

Everything and everyone I knew became an afterthought

I forgot of every person who considered me before them

every moment another person spent that golden nugget of time

for an experience beyond any plausible rationale.