Sorry Siri . . .

Siri and I don’t talk. (It’s my fault, not hers.) She tries. But I ignore her.

Why?

Good question. She makes me feel uncomfortable — like a sincere co-worker who tries too hard to be your friend or a nosey neighbor poking into your business.

“What can I help you with?”

“Nothing, thanks.”

“Are you sure?

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Are you sure you’re sure?”

“Yes, now leave me alone!”

I think my uneasiness with Artificial Intelligence stems from that confrontation between Dave and the HAL-9000 in Stanley’s Kubrick’s “2001: A Space Odyssey.” You know the scene:

Dave: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.

HAL: I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.

Dave: What’s the problem?

HAL: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.

Perhaps the tête-à-tête might have gone a bit better with a whiff of humor, like in that classic Cheech and Chong routine. 

Chong: Who is it?

Cheech: It’s Dave, man. Will you open up? I got the stuff with me.

Chong: Who?

Cheech: Dave, man. Open up.

Chong: Dave?

Cheech: Yeah, Dave. C’mon, man, open up. I think the cops saw me.

Chong: Dave’s not here.

Cheech: No, man, I’m Dave . . .

Some wags have tested Siri’s comedy skills by asking her the HAL-9000 pod-bay doors question. It doesn’t always go well. "Oh, no, not again," she's been heard to say. Of course I realize Siri isn’t real in that “real” sense — though the person portraying her, Susan Bennett, is.

According to WIKI, Bennett is a voice-over artist. Her first big break was in 1974 as First National Bank of Atlanta’s “Tillie the All-Time Teller.” Her breakout-role as Siri, Apple’s American female voice, came in 2011. Since then she’s become a celebrity, being featured on news programs like CNN and talk shows like David Letterman.

You’d think, with all that activity, she’d be too busy to offer me help. Yet I’m sure she will. I’m trying to think of a way to let her down — easy.

“It’s me, not you” seems such a cliché. “I’ve meet someone else” would be a lie. I’m thinking of trying this . . .

Siri: “What can I help you with?”

Jim: What’s the ratio between a circle’s circumference and its diameter?

Siri: Pi.

Jim: Perfect. Now can you calculate that out to 2.7 trillion decimal places?

Siri: Let me get back to you on that.

Jim: No problem. Take all the time you need.

Jim Lamb is a retired journalist and author of “Orange Socks & Other Colorful Tales,” the story of how he survived Vietnam and kept his sense of humor. He and Siri are not friends. For more about Jim and his writing, visit www.jslstories.com.