Monsters of My Mania

I wait for you. I wait as I lay in wake. Wondering how you’ll greet me. Will it be while I laugh at something so silly? While I cry in the depth of despair? Leaving everything I have in my tears, and now I only have room for you? Perhaps.

Will you come when I'm not looking? When I’m happy, and it’s okay to be happy? It’s finally okay to be happy! Okay to love myself with such intensity I wonder if you were ever even real. Will I see you again? Does it even matter? Maybe.

It’s been so long since we’ve been together though. So long since I’ve felt so invincible with your arms wrapped around me. Too long since I’ve felt I could make all my desires come to fruition. Almost, painfully long since I’ve felt that burning in my soul making me feel so brilliantly alive; nothing could ever reach me. I felt so high.

It’s been so long I don’t feel safe in this wait. Waiting for you. Endless waiting. Waiting for you to wrap your claws around my neck and squeeze. Squeeze until I can’t speak. I say the words, but they're not what I mean. Your chains are attached to me now weighing me down. Dragging me down. Down to the depths of my soul where we fight. Dark against light we fight.

Everytime you seem to win. You win and you laugh. Laugh as I shrink into nothing. I disappear into your darkness. Where it's so cold I can see my breath and feel my bones break. But as I cry for help, no one can hear me. I just ache.

I keep fighting, never giving up. I run and jump, but you reach my ankles causing me to trip and fall back. All the way back down in a never ending whirlwind of torment. Until suddenly. I reach the bottom. Cold, hard, rock bottom.

I’m not alone this time. There’s someone here. Someone not yet broken by your evil cackling laughter. Someone who has a smile so bright the darkness starts to dissipate. Someone who looks like me. It is me.

I’ll free myself from your tyrant bonds, because this isn’t real. You're not real. You're just a shadow in the dark. A monster of my mania.