I sat in the front seat of my black Ford Expedition and stared out into the parking lot. A curious bug flying too quickly slams into the windshield and I thought “appropriate” as I watched a ripped wing from its newly lifeless body fly off into the air. The stain it left looked like a sad teapot…”also appropriate” I said out loud to myself.

My teenage passenger had yet to arrive. I’ve waited for this child in so many ways. I had her at 40. She was 2 weeks overdue and came in at 9.4lbs and nearly killed me…literally, my last image before her birth was the ass of an OBGYN straddling my body and pushing her out while another OBGYN pulled. It was traumatic and she’s been dramatic ever since. Today would be no exception.

“Ahhh, here she comes...finally” She walks as slowly as possible towards the car, her long brown hair softly frames her angelic face. Gabrielle, I named her after an arc angel. She’s a warrior with an internal sadness I can’t undo. She’s everything I’m not. I need lots of help raising her but today it will be just the two of us. She slides into the car, peers to the back seat, sneers and turns around without looking at me. I hit play…Taylor Swift. “Really mom…I can’t...you are so cringy.”, she says unamused. “What would you like to listen to?”, I ask. She answers me by putting in her airpods and curling into a ball with her head resting against the window against her favorite stuffed animal, “Funny Bunny”, given to her by my mother.

This will be a long day.

We drive north from Oklahoma City, its March but surprisingly warm. The drive is dotted with barren trees that look like black lace against the sunrise. Wind turbines stand taller than the squatty Oklahoma trees and scattered birds are the only wild life I see. I heard that environmentalist were against the wind turbines because of bird fatalities. I spend my time watching these turbines and birds interact and I did not encounter one death. Oklahoma has smart birds I think to myself. Maybe these birds that hit the turbines are suicidal or visually impaired? Maybe the birds really aren’t real just like QANON says. Tiny drones recharging on phone lines…maybe the turbines house the bird done factories and maybe when a drone messes up a mission they slam it into the blade of the turbine…they should check for blood when the birds impact….yes, that would solve that issue once and for all…I think about birds and turbines far too long but I’m happy to have them to occupy my mind. I need a distraction right now.

The last 800 times I took this drive was with my mother. The drives weren’t always from Oklahoma but the destination was always the same….home. The only home we’ve ever really had, Shubert, Nebraska. My parents met there in 6thgrade. My mother’s mother was a teacher and drove the kids from Shubert (population 150…on a good day) to the neighboring metropolis, Falls City (population 5,000) to school. My father went to the public school and my mother and her brother went to the catholic school. My grandmother often told the story of how she made my dad sit in the front seat so he wouldn’t be next to my mom. She often caught him looking at her in the rear view mirror. This began years of my grandmother’s failed attempts at interceding to get my mother as far away from my father as possible. She sent my mom to an all-girls college after high school…it didn’t work. They were destined to be together.

My 'Swifty" hating teen and I stopped as we always stopped, at the Cracker Barrel, mid-way to our destination. We went in but it wasn't the same without my mom. She loved to buy anything in Cracker Barrel and she took hours looking at everything. I learned not to protest and would wait patiently on an outdoor rocker while she and my daughter shopped. Gabrielle is my daughter's name. "Named after an angel", my mom would say. They had a special bond, one I was excluded from. It was fine with me. They giggled and told stories and I took photos of them and wrote down memories. I had always been an active observer in their relationship. I'm sure my mom was like that with me when I was growing up? I relished watching them bond and this drive and this Cracker Barrel were part of so many of our good times together. I didn't know how Gabrielle would take Cracker Barrel without my mom here. I watched her gently brush through the brightly colored tunics and turn over some sparkly snow globes. She gave a slight smile when she saw a small blue bird paperweight. This makes sense. My mom loved bluebirds and pennies. She thought her dad sent them to her from heaven. We were constantly looking for Papa's pennies. Neither of us felt like buying anything, we walked back to the car without rocking. I slid into the driver's side and spied a penny on my console. I got out of the car and grabbed Gabrielle's hand before she could open her door. I reached into my purse and pulled out 1 more penny. I didn't say a word as I walked her back towards the Cracker Barrel. "Mom, what are we doing?, this is sad for me now...please, lets go." She pulled back and I stopped. I faced her and placed a penny in her hand with a knowing look. She followed me. We each placed a penny on the armrest of the rocker my mom used to rock in and the one Gaby used to rock in. We walked back to the car and continued our drive in silence.

We pulled into town just before two. The white house was standing proudly, waiting for our arrival. My uncle was outside to greet us. He followed us out to St. Ann's. The gate was open and 2 hawks were circling overhead. The fields of corn were barren and a stillness hushed over the prairie. Four reddish stones stood strong. Two on each side of an empty space. A stone statue of the cross and Mary and Joseph dwarfed everything worldly in this space. They were ready for us. The tent was pitched and a green tarp covered the space where my mother would rest for eternity.

Gabrielle and I stood with the last strands of strength we had left. I popped the trunk of my Ford Expedition and the men that were there from the mortuary guided my mother out of the car in her golden casket adorned with four white angels. "We did it, Gabrielle, I said with tears in my eyes. We brought her home." I planned to have some time alone out there before guest arrived. Time for just Gaby and me. We sat on the ground next to my mom and Abba's "I believe in Angels lilted from the car stereo on repeat. As the first guests arrived, we composed ourselves. The service was beautiful simply because that's what you are supposed to say. I don't remember much of it, but I do remember, my daughter's hand grabbing mine to stay back when all others had gone. "We'll see you at the church.", I call out to my uncle and do a slight head motion towards Gabrielle. He nods and takes his leave. "I love you mommy.", she says. "I love you too angel", I say. She opens my hand and places a penny in it. "Let's leave these here for Nonni.", she says. The look she gave me in that moment was transcending. I became the child and she was comforting me. We placed the pennies into the space where she would lay and walked hand in hand back to the car forever changed.