Sleep…what’s that?

It’s the next day, I should be asleep. But how do you sleep when you’re afraid to relax?

I quit a toxic environment for my mental health. Now a month later, I’m back in the same boat, but this time it’s me Vs my mind.

Someone told to take pills, fight off the depression; yeah let’s experiment with chemicals on an already tortured mind, sounds really safe.

No one checks in on me, hey how ya feeling? Would I tell them the truth? Hey I’m sinking into a dark place, slowly, but I’m making it there. You can’t tell people that, they’ll either say you’re being over dramatic or over react and call the squads that haul you away and experiment. Maybe it’s a good thing then no one checks in then.

How do you sleep when your brain says you’re a piece of crap? I mean, I know I’m not, but what if it’s right? What if my life really doesn’t mean anything? Scary thought, I know it’s not true, but right now, I feel like a waste of space.

I see a job I like, nope, don’t have the degree, don’t have the experience, don’t have the courage to even try knowing I won’t get it!

And to top it off, you’re afraid to trust again, because the person you trusted lied! And the worst part, I’m not even angry about that, I’m used to it. But dang it hurts. I hate the pain, Yoda was right. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering; and boy am I suffering.

I wish I had the courage to do drugs, I wish I had the courage to punch the wall till my hands bled, I wish I had the courage to decide how and when, but I don’t.

I let the fear of pain, the fear of jail, the fear of running someone’s life stop me.

And then the comments will say you’re brave, you’re okay, it takes guts to say this. I’m not okay, I struggle every day hoping that my life will come together, hoping I don’t accidentally hurt someone, hoping today will be the day a friend, a real friend texts me and asks “ARE YOU OKAY?”

It won’t happen, so I’ll try and get sleep because I start my day in 6 hours now. To pretend to be happy, to hide The tears, hide the anger. I’ll listen to my music and keeping asking God if he can hear me.

Don’t worry, I’m okay.