mist

I keep having this same dream over and over again. A recurring dream.

You’re in it (what doya know)

In the dream, you and I are at a party. And boy, what a party it is. Everyone was there, all your friends, classmates, secondary school buddies and everyone. There were drinks, food, bright lights, loud music, and there was me. I was sat facing the entire swell of people, with you slap bang in the centre of them. But everyone was seated in straight rows, no crowded gatherings or people with their backs to me, no, everyone was sitting next to each other, neatly in rows and columns of benches and chairs.

You were sat right in the middle of this structure.

You had a friend on your left and a friend on your right, and you looked so so happy, surrounded by people who wanted to talk to you, who wanted to get to know you, whilst I, I sat at a table by myself, my back to everyone, trying not to look at you.

I don’t know how long we sat like that, but every time I turned around to look at you, you would be doing the exact same thing as the people around you. If everyone raised their cup to take a drink, you’d raise your cup to drink. If everyone threw their head back and laughed, you’d throw your head back and laugh as well.

You were like a small cog, identical and with the same purpose as every other cog in this structure.

The whole time, you never looked in my direction once.

After a while, I’d get up and leave, perhaps hoping you’d notice me, but never looking back to see if you had. I’d walk away from the structure, heading towards my home that I could see in the distance.

And as I walked, my heart got heavier.

You’d let me leave, you’d let me go.

But then I’d hear you shout. I’d hear you call out my name, and that’s when I’d stop and turn around, feeling my heart swell as I see you walking behind me, following me.

But the thing is, you were always so so far away, what seemed like miles away- a speck in the distance.

But you called my name and told me to stop, to wait for you, and I did. Every dream, I always did. I could’ve kept walking, but I always stopped to wait for you, even if it meant waiting hours, days, weeks or months, I always waited for you. Even when my mouth was dry and my legs were weak, I’d always wait, because I knew that holding you was like drinking from a cool lake under the hot sun, like hiding under a blanket during a thunderstorm, like breathing in that familiar scent that I knew would calm and soothe me. I waited for you, and only when I felt like I was about to collapse would you then catch up with me. But you caught up not by running or anything, but by just walking.

Because you knew you didn’t have to run. You knew you didn’t have to chase. You knew I’d wait for you.

But last night it was different.

Yes, we were still at the same party, the same people, the same structure, the same gears all turning in the same machine and you were still the same cog in the middle of it all.

I walked away again, for what seemed like the millionth time, and you shouted out my name again (like music to my ears) and I stopped, like how I always did.

But I didn’t turn around. This time I didn’t turn around.

I heard you call my name again, asking me to wait, but instead, this time I took a step forward.

You screamed at me, told me to stop and wait, told me not to take another step, but I did.

Left, right, left, right.

I felt like I was dragging my heart through the dirt behind me as you kept shouting my name.

But your voice never got any nearer, it was always a distant muffle.

I figured you had still been walking. I figured you had never tried running.

Maybe if you had run, you would’ve caught up to me

Maybe if you had chased, you would’ve made me turn around

Maybe if you had put in the effort, you would’ve stopped me from leaving.

But you were a cog. A cog fixed in a structure that held you back and kept you turning and turning. A cog fixed in a structure that was like life support to you.

You thought you needed it and that it needed you, like how I thought I needed you and you needed me.

But what you didn’t know was that you were just one small cog.

You could be removed,

replaced,

discarded,

thrown away and forgotten.

You thought that you were the crucial piece amongst the people you were amongst and that things would always come to you because they would always come to you.

But last night, I kept walking, because even though you couldn’t realise that you were just a slowly turning cog, I could. And I know that cogs can be replaced, and that when something is broken, you can’t keep the broken pieces, you have to build a new one, with new bits and new pieces and new cogs.

You were just one small piece, not the whole structure.

You were just one small part, not my whole life.

You could be removed,

replaced,

discarded,

thrown away and forgotten