shells

I keep thinking about it.

She made you act like a little boy. She made you have butterflies in your stomach. Didn’t I use to make you feel that way too?

Do you not remember everything we had together? Do you still have those photos on your phone, the ones you’d take of me, the ones you’d squeal and act like a little boy over? Do you still have that video of me that I took for you when I was at yours, where I left you a little video message?

“Do you want to know a secret?”

I’ll tell you a secret. I always tell you my secrets.

But you told yours to her, not to me hah no…not to me, not anymore. You used to make me feel like a princess and that you were my prince who swept me off my feet and tempted me with dreams of escape. Now I just feel stuck within my own walls and left to battle these nonexistent dragons by myself.

Do you not remember everything we did? Does every song not remind you of everything we had? Does every surface not have a mark of where we’d been and who we were? Can’t you remember everything we meant to each other? Minutes on the phone, so close yet far. Hours on the roof, inches from the sky. Days just catching glimpses of each other. Weeks later still feeling the warm fuzz in our stomachs. Months counting the days, and years…years counting the minutes…

I was like Diana in the chase, my name as fresh as her visage, and you sought after me in the hunt because I was the only one that made you feel like a child without the responsibilities and stress that had been set on you. I made you feel like a little boy even though you told yourself not to act like one. You told me to grow up but at the same time you liked the feeling of freedom and wildness I gave you. You liked that I made you feel different, made you feel alive- had you feeling a way you told yourself you shouldn’t be but couldn’t help loving at the same time.

So many nights trying to hide it.

You liked the excitement, the thrills, the sly glances, the quick touches, the wild dips in the pool, the feeling of my lips on your neck and my hands in your hair. I was your Bonnie and you were my Clyde.

You liked the stillness too. Peacefully hearing the sound of silence around us. Silence which just stretched and made time even more precious. Being sensitive, being open, being vulnerable. Being just you and I. Being where I’d sleep, there in your arms, where the world just shuts down for a while.

Blindly you came to me, knowing I’d breathe new life from within.

And blindly I came to you, to find peace and belief in your smile.

You used to find yourself here in my arms, and I used to find myself there in yours. But now I really…I really don’t know where you’ve been since the first chase. I don’t know where the thrill has gone, the fast heart, the shaking hands and the nervous touch. I don’t know where you’ve gone, the one who would woo me, pull me to him and never want to let me go.

You were the little boy who would get upset because he didn’t want it all to end.

I wish I could find that little boy I once knew, because that’s where you’d find me

there in his arms.