An insecure introduction

  If anyone ever told me that I'd be writing something like this I'd probably laugh hard... for just about second before realizing that he's most likely right as irony never seems to pass by without giving me at least a slight nod if not a punch to the kidneys. 

  There's many things that I could write about - at least that's what I think and certainly it's what I've always thought even though I've only ever written one shortish story and that's when I was 12 or 14 or something like that, before high-school anyway. Obviously I'm not British, or from any English speak country as can be seen, although I've always felt like writing in English even though I know nothing (yes that was GoT in fact) about how to write correctly so I apologize for what you're about to read. 

  Many things to write about but it would not be a proper cliche unless I wrote about Her, because there's always Her and there's always that one sob story or something that's supposed to be romantic but most of the time is annoying, at least for me - thus the irony.

  The beginning seems like a solid place to start at so we might as well. Rather then go on and on how my life is so sad for this or that reason (which some might say that it is though some would say "stop bitching", she certainly would) and how pathetic I am (again some would agree and some would not, she would simply repeat her self) I'd rather take short glance at the past then head on to the meat as it's nearly five in the morning, I haven't slept due to thinking of her and in a round-about way I'm hoping that I just might get some sleep though my schedule will not allow that.

  It's like this, parents divorced when I was around 12, spent most days for the next 11 years playing video games for as much as I could, especially for for the last couple of years when I dropped out of college, which by the way I considered to be the best seven months of my life. I find it quite to amusing how easily we can lie to ourselves and deny the obvious - I'll be going back to college next year. Fun fact, a friend from college just got her masters degree. I'll be going back next year. 

  Think of me as a monk who spent 3 years in solitude until a Divine Intervention came down on him. Basically, there were floods. Big ones. So, naturally, I tried helping out, mostly with the relief efforts. Another nudge, after years of friendless life (poor me!), I hooked up with a couple of people. Got a part-time job shortly after as well, but at the same time I kind of by chance got into Kendo. Magnificent martial art, I fondly recommend it if you can handle smelly gear(it reeks). This is where it kind of begins. I found some friends. Did force myself on them a bit, a desperate attempt to hang out with just about anyone really. Had a beer, a bit of talk, left about as good impression as it could've been expected. Still - did something. She wasn't there. It wasn't really her thing. I did though, meet her brother who, as it would turn out later on, became my friend, probably the only one I've got at the moment (that I care about at least - I know how it sounds, I said it, but it is what I think, so judge me as you will I've pretty much made my peace with the fact). Fun days came and passed, I think I've met her for the first time sometime before December 2014, not sure though. 

  December 19th, an important date in Serbia for traditional reasons I won't go into so the key word here is Google. Still, I was invited to a celebration, for the first time in my life. Had fun, got a bit tipsy and I did make an impression. Did talk with her for the first time, introverted (or simply shy, or autistic, or inhibited in some other way because who-the-fuck-cares) as I am, talking drunk helps me as I actually talk instead of nodding with occasional "Yes / No" replies. New Year passed, then I was invited again for Orthodox New Year party. Had fun. A bit. Around that time I also started hanging out with her brother more playing Star Wars The Old Republic(tm) as well as World of WarCraft(tm) later on. I would be invited for her birthday as well... and a couple of other social occasions. 

  Mind you, for the most of this time I didn't really notice her much and that would go on for quite a while... Until, this April when I saw her smile. To be honest, even before that I was fond of her I guess, not sure if I was the same back then or not but I did choose the flowers with care at least, it was her birthday after all. Needless to say, after I bought the bouquet and got pretty much in front of their house I was told that I chose wrong flowers(of course I did) but she didn't seem to care for those either way. So we were on the opposite ends of the room, talking with different people. I was of course talking with her brother, the only person I seem to be able to talk to for some reason ( I don't sound rude or anything, but most people simply don't interest me in any way so I ignore them as talking with them feels uncomfortable) and she was talking with her friend, taking selfies from above and stuff. That's when it happened - she smiled. I survived it just barely. Took everything I had to focus away, on anything, her brother, her friend's cleavage(impressive one at that), pictures on the walls, the walls themselves, the god damned stupid wrong flower - anything. Should mention that I've had a bottle of wine all to myself and that I was half way trough by that time. The party slowly but surely got to an end at which point the only people left standing were her brother and his girlfriend who went away for a bit, another dude from Kendo who was invited, got plastered and fell asleep, She and myself. 

  The layout of the room is quite important now. It's a square room, about 6x6 I guess though I'm confidant with that statement. Once you enter, you're faced with the terrace doors on the opposite end, on your left would be the TV as well as a couple of china closets. As you look to the rite, in front of the opposite wall there's two armchairs, a coffee table in front of them and at the right wall there's a sofa. Dark green letter is the prevalent color. So I was sitting in the farthest armchair from the sofa. The other Kendo buddy for the sake of convenience we'll call G(his actual nickname, couldn't resist the comedy) was sitting in the other one, closer on the sofa. She was taking a nap on the sofa. Both of them were drunk though G was plastered. As any drunk genius(bless his soul I'll never again think little of him) he thought that if he also went to the sofa but took what little space she left and pulled a chair for his legs that it'll be fine. This prompted her to get up, give him the sofa, crawl into armchair beside me, make herself as small as possible and sleep - while leaning on my shoulder. I glanced at her a couple of times and offered to help take her to her room which she declined. Sipping the last of my wine it slowly dawned on me that I was already doomed. 

  I'm a moron. Took me days to figure out what happened. Then came May, had a sit down again - I confirmed it, kind of, was lukewarm feeling at best. Days passed until, a week ago, we went to the pre-release screening of WarCraft:The Beginning(tm) which was actually quite a good movie (cudos to Blizzard). After having a blast and what not, we went back to the apartment(the party consisted of Her, her brother, her brother's girlfriend and myself) She and I shared one flat while the other two had a flat to themselves. Slept in what I could swear was the worst possible bed had I not slept on floor so I did notice ever so slight difference. It was the morning after, I got up at around 10 am. She was still asleep. Went to tidy myself up and then I took a book (Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and his years of pilgrimage by Haruki Murakami) sat and started reading. Since it's a single room apartment with two beds I could see her sleeping. Be it an act of god (notice small letter g, there for a reason) or any other good mojo, when I sat on the chair near the window I had a view that is still engraved in the back of my eyes. 

  She was sleeping on her stomach, covered of course completely save for her right hand which could be seen. Completely relaxed palm looking at the ceiling, fingers slightly bent, looking so soft, so gentle. I still wish for nothing more then to feel that soft hand on my face, to just have it placed on me, without any movement, just the softness of that patch of skin, to absorb her warmth, feel her fingertips on my eyelids and forehead... I could see her hair spread across the pillow, dark blond hair, though not my usual preference, at that time it was enchanting. Over her blanket-covered gentle shoulder I could glimpse at hear cheek, just a little. And that was it. The best view in the whole wide World. I only stole a couple of glances of course, too afraid that I'd somehow wake her up, true model of virginity (with the amount of my love conquests and opposite gender interactions I might as well be). She woke up for a second, looked at her phone, asked me in what is of course the worlds sweetest sleepy voice to wake her up in fifteen minutes(a promise I thoroughly broke). When she finally woke up I went out to buy us some coffee while she washed up. Had a chat, I fell even more, again unknowingly, until we went out to gather the rest of our party and venture forth into city.

  The rest of that day wasn't much and we didn't talk as much and on our way back I managed, as I always do, to mess things up by the most unsavory comment followed by 2 hours silent bus-drive back home. Hadn't had much contact with her since then, spoke to her twice. But what prompted me to write this thing at all was a certain request by her mom which was a bull's eye hit into my insecurities, but most importantly for the first time it made me realize that I might really loose her. For the first time ever, I cared. The sense of unease was choking me, what I always considered to be a cliche expression the infamous chest pain - it happened(as an avid fan of irony I reveled in joy and still do). I overcame it today, soldiered through it and set some things into motion. That did alleviate the cliche but took my beauty sleep and condemned most of you to a poor piece of wanna-be-literature. 

  This along with a letter(again in English) that I wrote tonight did help me out quite a bit. But I guess, laying on my stomach, looking at the window at deep dark, blue pre-dawn sky I finally resolved to devote myself to improvement. I'll gain weight, I'll start exercising, read more Bukowski and Murakami are on my list as soon as I finish the last book I have by Victor Hugo, study more in general while also working harder as an online teacher. Make no mistake though, this is no vane attempt at movie like ending. I yearn for it, yes, in my head I already have that image but that's not what I'm doing this for. I simply want to be better then I am. For her? I don't know. Feels embarrassing to write it, impossible to say it out loud. There's fifty-fifty percent chance that I blew it completely and utterly with her, it could of course be my insecurities talking but somehow I know better. 

  Whether I'm just a dude who's in love for the first time or just an insecure recluse with extremely low self-esteem and even lower confidence looking for attention is not clear to me. I wrote this thing. That much I know. I will not revise it, it'll be published as is. Of course I am imagining myself getting all the praises that Internet has to offer but that's just me. What I also know is that what ever happens from here on out, this will be my first ever piece published (sort of, right?) and I don't want it to be the last. So here's my request - please tell me honestly what you think. Not about my personal or love life, but this text. Be honest. I don't mind criticism. I prefer it even. Finally, I'd like to say "Hello. Nice to meet you all. I'm looking forward to learning from you all!".

This is me, signing off.