Impossibly Great Sensations

The thought had not crossed my mind, though his it likely had.

Our mutual uncertainty

awkwardness, sparked fumbling

illuminated the room, hilariously so

following our uninhibited unburdening--

ridiculous, insecure, how could we not have known

the shy touches and voluminous conversation

deep embraces, the gentle sprouting of expressed admiration

meant more than friendship.

How poorly it was concealed

behind a guise of

nothing.

With no explanation

we shirked the obvious.

He asked if he could kiss me

and like, previously

the possibility of desire

all this time I did not consider.

Only later, once the query expanded: if we could?

without a condom, and yes immediately

was whispered, did I begin

to consider the implications.

Pleasure found under his hands and mouth

bleeds to a white reflection that I

have no plan for sectioning my emotions.

If a strategy will keep him here

in my bed

and out of my affections

I don't implement it.

Without a condom! A thin suggestion

that my tongue has never cleaned another's sweat from his neck

that there is deeper meaning in this:

lips brushing, fingers fighting a belt

trivial gestures in swollen proportions

small movements outlining impossibly great sensations.

With the question comes fear, a cold trickle seeping

occasionally pooling against my skin where it caresses his

fear of a solitary animal shadowing us

in eerie pantomime insisting

that eventually this will be less pleasing.

Night sweeps in repeatedly with apathy.

Between its comings are a hundred opportunities to confront the matter

raised by a neglected condom.

But conversation is sweet

the cross of his arms aches shattered teeth

and I remain silent to avoid a self-fulfilling prophecy.

From experience I stroke the sneaking sense that our conviviality is liable to ruin,

that my fingers, probing the triangular sliver above his collarbone

crawl to a familiar bitterness, and

my mouth pressed against his shoulder while I close my tired eyes

to a vision of concentric circles

and attempt to inhale some imagined essence

is transient.