The Contendings of Horus and Seth - Redacted

I was going to share the entire myth, the Contendings of Horus and Seth, but I realized there is a lot about penises in the story. It’s not just about sex and rape (throw a rock and you hit a myth that has at least one rape in it) but references to severed penises, fake penises, penises where they shouldn’t be, and ejaculations that occur in very odd places. If I gave you the full story you may never eat salad again. So, with that in mind, what follows is a simpler and less penis-oriented story.

The Contendings of Horus and Seth is set during a break in what was an eighty-year war for succession to the throne of Egypt after the death of Osiris. I don’t know about you but when I hear the name Seth I think of a friendly barista with a man-bun. That is not this Seth. This is Seth, the brother of Osiris, uncle to Horus, and brother of Isis, Osiris’ wife (it’s Egypt – family trees are different). He was also Osiris’ murderer.

How he killed his brother/brother-in-law is foggy. He may have turned into a crocodile or a bull (two animals easily confused) and attacked Osiris. Many believe he drowned Osiris. My favorite version is Seth had a box built to Osiris’ size. In a gathering of friends, he bet that no one could fit in this box. Everyone tried and failed. When it was Osiris ’turn, he fit perfectly. Once Osiris was inside, Seth sealed the box and threw it into the Nile causing Osiris to drown. This story does illuminate a few likely truths. First is Osiris had a number of tall friends. Second, critical thinking was not one of the inherited traits in this small gene pool. Ability to morph into a crocodile, yes; ability to identify possible risks based on a given scenario, no. Who retrieved the body and hacked it into 42 pieces is still a matter of contention. We will leave off any speculation of what body parts may have been missing and/or required replication.

If you are worried about what happened to Osiris, don’t. After being murdered he got a new job as ruler of the underworld. But that left the job of King of Egypt open. Seth naturally claimed the job since he was the brother of the King. He glossed over being the King’s murderer on his application. The other applicant was Horus, Osiris’ son. Being the son of the former King was a pretty strong qualification in Egypt regardless of skillset. So began eighty years of conflict.

The Contendings myth is not actually about the entire conflict but focuses on a break in the conflict. The gods were looking for a more amicable resolution, so they decided to have a tribunal of gods to decide who should be king.

The tribunal was known as the Ennead, which in Greek implies there were nine gods as judges. There could have been only three or there could have been thirty. It didn’t matter. Ra backed Seth and Isis wanted Horus. No one wanted to risk angering either of them. The tribunal thought this was an easy question. They decided the son was the logical choice. Isis immediately put out the word on social media. Ra overruled the tribunal. “Not so fast,” said Ra, more than a little miffed that they had completely ditched his guy, Seth.

The next suggestion was to bring in another god as a consultant on the verdict. The new god saw this was a no-win situation and suggested that they consult Neith, the mother of all gods, literally. Neith’s reply was “damn straight it should be Horus and don’t ask me again or bad things will happen” (I am paraphrasing).

Ra was still having trouble accepting the verdict. Some folks are like that. It was decided that the Ennead should deliberate on a secluded island. They didn’t invite Isis since she was hardly impartial (there appear to have been different rules for Ra).

Nemty, the ferryman, took the tribunal to the island. He was given very specific instructions from Ra, “whatever you do, don’t bring Isis or anyone who looks like her to the island.” Considering Isis could turn herself into a cow, a scorpion and sometimes a bird, Ra probably should have directed a broader travel restriction. (You may ponder why she didn’t just turn herself into a bird and fly to the island. We will leave that with our questions regarding Osiris and the wisdom of getting into boxes).

Isis didn’t go to any extremes. She disguised herself as an old woman and told a completely plausible lie. She claimed to need a ride so she could bring a nourishing bowl of gruel to a young boy who happened to be tending cattle on the same secluded island where the gods were debating the future of Egypt. To be fair, Nemty was initially suspicious and refused to take her. He even refused when Isis offered him cake (who doesn’t like cake?). She finally convinced him with an offer of gold. Later Ra would punish Nemty by cutting off his toes.

Once on the island Isis changed again. This time she became a sexy woman and went in search of Seth. Seth tended to let the needs of a certain part of his anatomy drive his judgment. She gave him a sob story about how she was a widow and a man had confiscated her husband’s cattle and land even though she and her husband had a son. (Catch a familiar theme? Seth didn’t.) I am reasonably sure eyes were batted and bosoms heaved. Seth took the bait. He agreed to be her champion against this usurper. The second he agreed, Isis turned into a bird and said “I got you, my pretty” or something to that effect.

After Ra finished cutting off Nemty’s toes, everyone agreed that by Seth’s own admission the rightful heir should be the son. That should have been the end, but Seth had another bright idea. Why not have a duel to decide who should be king? That sounds like a fair way to decide. When Seth said duel, he didn’t really mean a duel. His suggestion was that he and Horus turn themselves into Hippopotami, submerge in the Nile and see who can hold their breath the longest. Horus, who had just won the concession of the Ennead, agreed to this. (On the face of it, it is hard to decide whose judgment is more in question, the party who suggested it or the party who agreed.)

They transformed themselves into Hippopotami and went to the bottom of the Nile. This contest was expected to last about three months (before you google how long a hippopotamus can hold its breath – it’s five minutes. They do have a way of napping underwater, but I digress). Isis grew a bit impatient. Don’t forget, the conflict had been going on for eighty years. She got a bow and arrow and fired into the water. She may have been good at disguises, but she had horrible aim. She accidentally hit Horus. After Horus cried out,” What the…” Isis aimed again. This time she hit Seth. Seth yelled, “Hey, don’t forget I am your brother.” Then Isis got conflicted and said “sorry, my bad.” That made Horus very cross since she was supposed to be on his side. This brings us to a side plot where Horus cuts off his mother’s head and then hid in the woods. Seth found him, gouged out his eyes and then came back pretending nothing was amiss. Ra’s daughter found blinded Horus and poured some milk into his eye sockets, restoring his eyes. We are going to skip all that and just state for the record that the breath-holding contest was considered a draw.

At this point, the Ennead was fed up with the process. Who could blame them? They told Seth and Horus to just sort it out on their own. Seth invited Horus to his place, served him some wine and cheese. Some very bad and very weird things happened. Seth’s nefarious actions were thwarted by the help of Isis (her head reattached) and lettuce.

Finding they were still at a stalemate, Seth suggested one more contest. He proposed they have race down the Nile. And I am not making this up, he wanted to race stone boats. Horus said, “sounds great.” I think you can guess what happened. While Seth went to the quarries, Horus did some arts and crafts with bamboo and paper mâché. The starting gun went off and Seth’s boat promptly sank. Horus would have sailed to victory if Seth hadn’t turned himself into a bull and smashed Horus’ boat to smithereens.

Since Horus didn’t technically finish the race, the issue of succession ended up back in the Ennead’s court. At this point Horus was out of patience (“the guy wanted to race STONE boats!”) That still didn’t sway them into making a ruling. They decided to consult yet another god. They got the bright idea of sending a letter to Osiris, the previous jobholder.

Osiris response came a few weeks later. He didn’t mince any words. He was very displeased his son wasn’t king. He reminded the Ennead that as king of the underworld he knew some pretty rough characters. These wise guys/demons didn’t have any scruples when dealing with gods and goddesses if the Ennead got his meaning.

Based on Osiris’ input, the Ennead finally made their pronouncement and even Ra agreed. (I think Ra started to have some doubts after the stone boat fiasco). Finally, after eighty years of conflict, Horus was declared King of Egypt and all the “Contendings” were ended.

If you are wondering what happened to Seth, Ra took care of him. After backing him for so many years he felt he owed him something. He got Seth a job in a coffee bar in Memphis.