He’s Dead…But What If He Doesn’t Have To Be?

By: Nadine Poon [Pen Name: Akito Yu]

*** Year 2031… to 2023

I remember everything.

Everything that has happened and everything that will happen. Only, at the moment, none of it has actually happened yet.

My name’s Akito Yu and I’m a 24 year old living in a small town near San Francisco, California. Around what felt like an hour ago, I was frozen on the street. Glaring lights seared into my eyes, making my vision blur as a speeding chunk of metal rammed itself into my body. The last thing I saw before I blacked out was a soft red light emitting from the lamp post towering above my limp body.

I woke up to an angry red light flashing through my eyelids, and a familiar, consistent beep that commanded my wake. That was the surprising part. Not the lights or the beeping, but the fact that I had managed to regain consciousness after that fatal crash.

I slowly opened my eyes and as my vision refocused, I realized that I was facing my alarm clock which was, for some strange reason, set to 10:00 PM.

Huh. I feel absolutely nothing. Probably because I haven’t been able to process anything yet. There’s a heavy weight pulling down on my chest, as though a chain is holding me down to reality, but my mind has gone completely blank.

Something’s not quite right. My room…it’s not supposed to look like this anymore…I moved out ages ago…

I tilt my head a little bit to the right so I can see myself in the mirror on the wall. My reflection peeks back at me, and I pause. Hold on. My eyes. They’re puffy and red. It looks as though I’ve been crying and rubbing my eyes nonstop —no, wait— I have been crying. Something tells me I somehow ended up crying myself to sleep in the middle of the day. But I’m absolutely certain that it’s not possible… Not only because I very clearly remember being hit by a car but also because I’ve only cried twice in my entire life. Both times 8 years ago. Back when I was sixt-...

*THUD*

My back hit the ground and my hands are shaking uncontrollably as I clutch onto my aching chest. I’m trying to gasp for air but vomit is creeping up my throat and my nose is blocked from the mucus that had followed my tears.

Now I remember. How could I ever have forgotten? This was the week that I lost him. Twice. Shin Hana. The first man to ever enter my life and the last.

The dull emptiness weighing down on me vanishes, and my emotions hit me like a truck as I slowly begin to accept my new reality.

I manage to let out a strangled scream before I black out for the second time in my life.

*** Year 2023 Day 1

A low, shaky voice cut into my consciousness, “I told you we shouldn’t have left her alone.”

Father had always acted strong, so the worry in his tone made my heart ache.

“I-I know, I know,” Mother whispers in between sobs, “but I really thought she deserved some time alone after what she had gone through. We both know how much she loved Shin. I-I’m so sorry… I knew it was bad but I didn’t think it would be this bad.”

So I really did go back in time.

Ha, what a loser. Looks like I’ve been dumped… again. And by the same person, no less.

The raw burn of a heartache doesn’t feel any less painful the second time around. Although, technically, this is the “first” time it has happened. And this time, I won’t lose him for good. Because this time, I can prevent the accident. The thought alone is bringing me more strength and hope than I’ve felt in years… I can see Shin. And I can really save him.

*** Year 2023 Day 2

In my “previous” life, the day after breaking up with me, Shin had been involved in a car accident that cost him his life. A few years later, I interrogated everybody I possibly could about the incident. Eventually, I managed to find out that he was hit on his way home from school by a very large red van.

This time, I’m determined to save his life no matter what. Even if I have to give up my own life. Because life without Shin is absolutely meaningless. And I had to learn that the hard way.

For the first time in six years, Mother is driving me to school. Actually, it has been longer than six years. Because since I started dating Shin, we walked to and from school together every single time, until…

My emotions are tearing me apart and Mother must have picked up on my anxiety, because she’s looking at me with worry embedded in every crease on her forehead, “Honey, are you sure you’re ready to go to school? It’s okay if you need to stay at home for another day. Your father and I both know how much Shin meant to you.”

“I’ll be just fine,” I try to smile reassuringly but can I feel my nose sting as I do my best not to break down into tears.

Yes, I’m doing just fine. I just traveled back in time a few years and re-lived a breakup with my “dead” ex-boyfriend, but yes, I’m perfectly fine.

But of course I can’t tell her any of that. Not to mention how I had to spend the entire morning trying to convince her to let me go to school after yesterday’s fiasco. I can’t let my efforts go to waste.

I quickly unbuckle myself and softly press my lips against her wrinkled forehead, then stumble out of the car.

A tower of red bricks has never looked so daunting before. I take a deep breath, and rush into the building.

***

“Hey, you hear what happened to Aki and Shin? I thought they would stay together forever. I guess what they say about highschool relationships is true.”

“Yeah, they never last.”

“It’s about time.”

Ouch. I can feel a shiver tingling down my spine. I had forgotten how ruthless kids are. Almost all of them are unsympathetic monsters starving for a chance to tear others apart for a moment of entertainment. And they do so without a single shred of remorse. No wonder why I was a complete wreck the first time around.

As I walk to my desk, I can feel everybody’s eyes boring into me, but all of it fades away when my searching eyes finally find him. He’s here. Shin, it’s you. I’m not letting you go ever again.

His bottom lip slightly quivers as his soft, brown eyes glare at me.

*Snap* I forget everything and throw myself into his arms.

The class erupts, and a storm of voices floods the room.

“She’s finally lost it. Poor thing.”

“Awhh baby girl’s still in denial.”

“Let it go gurl, you’re not worth his time.”

“Hey! Get off him!”

Oh, right. Shin has always been the center of attention. Of course he has. Who wouldn’t fall in love with the handsome angel of a man he was? Sure, he wasn’t the best academically. But he always knew exactly how to make everybody like him. He has a sort of sincerity that is hard to come by nowadays, and his caring nature is even more so.

All of a sudden, I hear a creak and a crisp silence fills the room. I jump out of Shin’s arms and slip into the chair behind my desk. The threatening click of Mr. Haru’s heels fill the room as he briskly strides in, “What on earth is happening in my classroom? Where do you think we are, the zoo?”

***

*RIIING*

At last, the final bell.

I had spent the entire day thinking about how to save Shin. But all of my plans went out the window the second the bell rang.

A stampede of animals in ironed uniforms bolt out of the door, leaving me in the dust.

So much for stalling for time.

I can feel sweat trickling down my back, and heat rising to my face.

Not good. I can’t panic now.

I try to collect myself and thank my teacher before sprinting out the door. My few years as an adult had given me a newfound respect for good teachers and their astounding patience.

I can feel my pounding heart getting ready to pounce out of my throat, but I try to keep a level head as I remind myself that everything will be fine.

It’s fine, I know exactly when and where the accident will occur. Just stay calm. Deep breaths.

I fly out of the school doors and run.

I’m nearly out of breath, but I don't stop. I can’t stop. I have to get to Shin.

Finally, I can see the back of Shin’s head. He’s walking beneath the cherry blossom tree we always passed back when we walked home together. Our cherry blossom tree.

My eyes widen and I nearly faint from shock. A big red truck has come into view, and it’s heading right towards him.

***

NO! It’s too close! There’s no way I can make it on time.

I take off at full speed.

Almost there, just a few blocks. I have to make it. I just have to.

“SHIN! STOP! GET AWAY FROM THE STREET!,” I yell as loud as I can but I’m already out of breath from running so fast for so long.

It’s too late. I’m not close enough to save him. I can’t do anything anymore…I’m going to lose him…again.

The red truck continues to advance and a feeling of helplessness washes over me. It keeps on getting closer and closer to Shin as I try to reach him.

One more block. Come on, come on. Just one more…

*ZOOM*

Huh?

The red truck zooms straight past Shin and he starts to cross the street.

Realization hit me. I had been told that Shin was hit by a red van, not a red truck.

I still have a chance. I might actually be able to make it!

Suddenly, a red van shoots out from the side of my vision. Not having any time to think, I leap forward, trying to wrap myself around Shin as much as I can while moving us out of the van’s path.

*THUMP*

I can feel myself losing consciousness already. Blood is seeping out, forming a sticky puddle beside me, and I can no longer move.

Shin? Is Shin okay? Did I manage to save him?

“AKITO! AKITO! This wasn’t supposed to happen,” I hear Shin’s trembling voice flowing into my ears, “Why does it always have to be you?”

I flinch.

Shin begins to shake and sob uncontrollably as he rests my head in his lap, “I thought breaking up with you would be enough to save your life. Why is it that you have to throw your life away for me every single time? I wish it were me instead of you.”

What? What do you mean “every single time”?

I can hear the whining alarm of an ambulance and the whirring red lights reflect on the soft cherry blossom petals fluttering to the ground, giving them a red tint resembling that of blood-red roses.

The warm, red glow of Shin’s soul slowly fades into the background…

*** Year 2023 Day 3

*Beep* *Beep* *Beep* *Beep* *Beep* *Beep* *Beep* *Beep* *Beep* *Beep*

I’m… I’m still alive?

I feel like I’m laying on a cushion of clouds…

My eyes shoot open and I jerk myself up.

AHHH!

It feels like my blood is lava burning into my nerves, and every inch of my body is on fire. My vision goes red and I groan in pain.

As the searing pain gradually fades, I begin to notice that everything is very… white. The sheets, the walls, the clothes…

“AKITO! You’re finally awake!,” Shin, face full of tears, springs up from his chair and clasps his warm hands over mine, “You’re back! You’re finally back…”

*** Year 2030

“Aki, you have a phone call!,” Shin calls out from the front door.

“I got it, dear. Give me a sec, I’ll be right there,” I yell back, as I carefully set down a tower of cardboard boxes.

Shin and I managed to finish college with a master’s degree at UC Davis together, and although I’m still job hunting, Shin was guaranteed a job from his internship at BasketsCo. The moment Shin started his job, we seized the opportunity to buy a small apartment and planned to move in together. Finally we’ve gotten started with the moving process.

I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long.

The second I set down the boxes, I dash to the kitchen counter for my phone, nearly tripping over the hurdles scattered around the floor.

When I see who the call is from, my heart starts beating so fast it nearly bursts, “H-hello? This is Akito Yu, how can I help you?”

I catch Shin staring, looking slightly anxious, and I urgently gesture for him to come closer. I turn the phone on speaker mode and set it down on the counter so that the name “BasketsCo” can give me an intimidating stare from the screen.

“Good afternoon, Akito. My name is Tori Sato, and I am the hiring manager. Thank you for applying to BasketsCo.”

I take a shaky breath, and Shin puts my cold, sweaty hands in his. I can tell he’s just as scared as I am, if not more.

“I am calling you to let you know that your job application has been accepted and you will begin working one week from today. I will give you further instructions on your first day of work. Thank you for your time.”

“T-thank you so much, see you next week!,” I try to sound professional until I hang up the call and look up at Shin.

Before I can say anything, Shin jumps with joy and wraps me in his arms, “YOU DID IT, AKITO! I knew you could do it!”

You were more worried than I was, silly.

I let my emotions take over and tears of joy soak into the shoulder of Shin’s hoodie.

I have almost never been so relieved in my life.

*** Year 2090

Pit. Pat. Pit. Pat. Pit. Pit. Pat.

The rhythmic tapping of rain soothes my nerves as I look out the window and look at the cherry blossom trees of Yoshino District.

After retiring, Shin and I decided to move to Nara so that we could go on walks at Mount Yoshino every day and admire the exquisite beauty of the countless cherry blossom trees together.

I never get tired of the way the flying, blushing petals rest upon Shin’s balding head…

I love how our home is always nice and snug, full of Shin’s warmth.

As I admire Shin’s wrinkled face, he lovingly looks back at mine.

Unfair. He ages like fine wine while I age like milk.

As though he can read my mind, he smiles warmly, “You look beautiful, hon’”.

I don’t believe him, but I smile back nonetheless.

We share each other’s warmth, fingers intertwined, as we sit in front of the cozy fireplace with warm red flames that crackle softly while licking the wood.

Finally together.

*** Story from Shin’s point of view - Year 2023 Day 1

I tightly wrap my fingers around Akito’s as we walk towards the pale cherry blossom tree. I can’t help but keep staring at her beautiful black eyes and scarlet red hair. Everything about her is just so… perfect.

Akito laughs as she tilts her head, “What? Is there something on my face or something?”

“No, no. It’s just that you’re so unbelievably breathtaking,” I smile.

And I mean it, I really do, but she laughs it off as though she doesn’t believe me.

Sigh… if only she could see what I do.

I ruffle her hair affectionately as we wait to cross the road.

Finally, we step onto the black concrete of the asphalt road.

I wonder what I should get for her birthday. It’s coming up soon…

Suddenly, I see a flash of red and Akito pushes me away before I can react.

The next thing I see is an endless sea of red as I hold Akito in my arms, “AKITO! Hang in there, you have to hang in there. Let me call an ambulance. Hold on, don’t move, just hang in there. Oh god, please, just hang in there.”

I can feel her blood seeping through her clothes onto mine.

Oh god, no.

Surrounding pedestrians start to crowd around the street and several of them call the ambulance.

I’m shaking head to toe and I feel completely lost. My tears keep on trickling down onto her beautiful face as I watch the life gradually fade away from her lovely eyes.

Akito. No. You can’t do this to me.

“It should’ve been me. I wish it were me instead of you”

*** Shin, Year 2023 - Day 1 of Shin’s 2nd Chance [The Day Before His Death]

*RIIING*

“Shin!,” Akito called out, her clear, bright voice ringing across the hall.

Akito? Is this a dream?

“A-Akito?,” I croaked in a hoarse voice.

Akito ran over, “Need some water?”

“No running in the halls!,” a teacher yelled from her classroom.

Then it hit me. This was it. This was the chance I asked for. I could fix everything right now. She had died for me, but I could make everything right again. I had a feeling that only one of us could live…if I were to try to save myself too, who knows what would happen to Akito? Both of us making it out alive… it’s simply too good to be true. I don’t know what I have done to come across this second chance, but everything comes at a cost; even I know that much.

I am willing to sacrifice anything for Akito. Even our future together. Even my life.

“I’m sorry Akito. I-I can’t do this anymore,” I whisper, trying to keep my voice from choking.

Akito playfully punches my shoulder, but I see a glint of fear in her eyes, “Shin, don’t scare me like that, it’s not funny.”

I’m so sorry Akito. There isn’t enough time left. This is the only way.

“W-we shouldn’t walk home anymore. T-this relationship just isn’t working out. Let’s break up”

I can feel everybody else’s eyes on us, and I immediately regret doing this in school instead of waiting for school to end first. But I can’t help but worry that I’ll miss my chance. I can’t mess this up. Akito’s life is at stake.

I can’t bring myself to look at Akito’s face.

“What are you talking about? W-what happened? D-did I do something wrong?”

I stay silent, knowing that I will break down into tears the next time I open my mouth.

“S-S-Shin… T-talk to me… P-please…”

I turn around to hide my tears and run out of the school.

I’m sorry, Akito, but if somebody has to die, it should be me… I’m the one who got you into that mess in the first place…

I only wanted to walk home with you so that I could show you the cherry blossom tree every day on our way home. It’s my fault you were there in the first place…

*** Shin, Year 2023 - Day 2 of Shin’s Second Chance [The Day of His Death]

I force myself to go to school in the morning. I didn’t get a wink of sleep, but I feel a strange sense of ease knowing that at least Akito will be safe.

As I sit at my desk and look at the cherry blossom tree right outside the window, I let the hours tick by, thinking of nothing but Akito.

I can see the back of her head from where I’m sitting, and I admire her soft curls, silky and smooth as rose petals.

I can’t help but notice that her left hand on the desk is ever so slightly shaking as her right hand draws squiggly lines in its attempt to write letters in the notebook.

I’m sorry, Akito.

*RIIING*

After watching her scarlet curls disappear out the door, I slowly make my way out as well.

For a moment, I consider finding Akito to see her one last time, but I tell myself it’s best to stay as far away from her as possible. I can’t risk having her follow me…

Don’t be selfish. Remember, this is already your second chance. You can’t screw this up. You have to make sure Akito doesn’t die.

Before I change my mind, I run out of the school, tears uncontrollably flying out of my eyes. I keep running, and running, until a streak of red makes the world fade into black.

Akito, I hope that one day, you will be able to fondly look back at memories of us spending time together…

Please find happiness and try not to forget me…