Unveiled

The first time I caught him, I was 10 years old. We lived in Iowa but my dad flew into Omaha every day for work. He took me out of school and let me go to work with him one day. I remember wearing a velvet pink skirt and matching top. It had small embroidery flowers around the wrist. I thought it was the most beautiful dress in the world and absolutely perfect for a flight to the big city to spend the day with your dad. His office was at a smaller airport and had large windows that faced the runway. It was huge and had 2 desks side by side. One for him and one for his secretary who was named Lori, just like me. She was tall and thin and beautiful with long brown hair just like mine. I met her once before and I was in awe of her. “Maybe I’ll look like her when I grow up…I thought.” Right now I was just a pudgy 5th grader with huge thick eye glasses in a pink velvet outfit. I wasn’t polished and sophisticated but I knew when Lori the secretary walked in the door that she was exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up.

“Hi Lori, I’m so happy to see you, I didn’t know you were coming today.” she said in a velvety voice as she looked not at me but at my dad. “Hi, I said.”, staring down at her high heels. She went to her desk drawer and took out a Tootsie pop and handed it to me. She walked out of the room and my dad followed. I was left alone in the office. I unwrapped my Tootsie pop and looked for the Indian on the wrapper. I walked to the windows with my lollipop stuck between my cheek and my teeth. I leaned my head on the window and looked down at the planes. I’d been in planes my whole life. I named them off in my head…that’s a Baron, that’s a Cesena, that’s a Commander…the juice from my lollipop began to drip out of my mouth onto my Mary Jane shoes. I sucked in really hard to prevent more from dripping. My mom would be mad if I messed up my shoes so I took them off and went to find a tissue to clean them. I opened the center drawer of my dad’s desk. I didn’t find a tissue. I found a Polaroid of him sitting in the chair I was sitting in. His legs were spread apart and he had his hand between his legs with his middle finger pointing up. I didn’t know what it meant but I didn’t like it. I shut the door and decided to go to Lori’s desk. I opened the middle drawer and found a Polaroid of her making the same pose. I quickly shut the door and crawled under the space where her chair went. My young mind couldn’t make sense of what I saw. My shoeless rights snagged on the nubby carpet. I went to my knees and took my Mary Jane’s and rubbed the slobber off them onto that carpet. I knelt for a while and thought about planes and flying and my mother but no matter how much I tried to think about something else, all I saw where those Polaroids. My legs were falling asleep, I needed to stand. I crawled out from under the desk and rubbed knees. My tights were bumpy from the intentions the nubby carpet made. I heard laughing and my dad and the other Lori walked in. My dad gave other Lori some tasks to do and he asked me to go to lunch. I didn’t make eye contact with either of them. I simply put my shoes back on and followed behind my dad out the door. I never wanted to go back to that office again. It was never an issue. That was the first and last time my dad ever took me to work with him. Not because I didn’t want to go but because of what happened that night.

We started the airplane engine and buckled in to take off. It was a Baron, a six seat small plane and I was riding co-pilot. I loved to ride co-pilot. It was dark outside already and snowing at a good pace. I was shivering in my seat but happy to be going home. The flight was short, only about 30 minutes. We taxied down the runway and my dad got clearance from the tower to take off. Up we went and I was so thankful to watch that town get smaller and smaller as we flew home. My dad always did a steep take off and sharp turn. I loved the feel of the pull when he pushed the plane to the edge. I giggled when my stomach did some flips. One thing about my dad and I is that we love adrenaline. When we leveled out he did a maneuver I loved where he made me weightless. It only lasted a few seconds but it was incredible. If you had a saltine cracker, you could let go of it and it would float before dropping to your lap. I didn’t have saltines today but I could see them all the same suspended in front of me just like my body. The only thing holding me to the seat was my seatbelt. My behind wasn’t touching the seat and my feet weren’t touching the ground. “Again, again!” I say with pure joy emanating from my child’s heart. I look at my father and he isn’t responding. He’s looking out the window and pushing the button of the radio. He’s asking the tower for permission to land. There is ice forming on our wings. We are forced to turn around and land back in Omaha. We make it to the big airport. The plane hadn’t even had time to warm up. I’m frozen as I climb out of the plane and my dad helps me down from the landing on the wing. “Sorry kiddo”, he says. We take a cab to a hotel by the airport. It’s not a nice hotel but its close and it’s only for one night he keeps reminding me. We have no clothes, no toothbrush, no stuffed animals and most importantly, no mother to tuck me in. My dad puts on the TV and he leaves saying he’ll be right back. I’m hungry. I watch some shows on TV. He doesn’t come back. I watch the news and there’s a story about the snow storm and all the planes that couldn’t take off. He’s still not back. I’m tired but I’m too terrified to sleep. There is a vent above the door and all I can think about it someone climbing into my room through that vent. I’m shaking but I’m not sure if it’s from still being chilled to the bone or the sheer terror of being alone in a hotel room. Johnny Carson is on now. I sit at the foot of the bed and pick at the snags in my tights. I want to cry but no one will hear me or maybe someone will but they may be a bad person so I keep quiet. I want to stay invisible. I want to stop thinking about the photos I saw. I want my mother. I hear a key in the door. “Please let it be my dad”, I think. It is my dad. I pretend to be asleep on the floor. He doesn’t call for me. Doesn’t check on me. Doesn’t he know I’ve never been left alone at home let alone in a hotel in a big city? I’m petrified. I hear him pee in the bathroom. It’s along pee. My cheek is itching from the carpet but I dare not move. He walks past me and climbs into bed. He smells different. I recognize it’s alcohol but also something else. It’s musty and sweaty and I realize later in life he smelled like sex. I make it through the night waking up between his snoring. I hate it when I wake up because I re-smell him. I’m so terrified to move. My mother was going to be furious. Wait, I can’t tell my mother. It would hurt her. I decide right then not to say a word to him or her about anything that happened. We flew home the next day. I didn’t talk to my dad for entire year and he didn’t even notice. I would nod and smile and maybe I said yes or no but I willfully did not have one conversation with him for an entire year. He never asked me about school or my girl scouts or gymnastics. He never attended one event. He was in Omaha all week and home on some weekends. We didn’t matter. I had proof now. That’s the way it was and I've spent my whole life trying to prove we mattered.