The Killing Kind

The image which haunts Lorelei is an unexpected one. It is not a memory of moonlit trysts, or discreet midday rendezvous, though there had been plenty of those. In fact, she could hardly recall those moments anymore, they having faded into the fog of times past as her love for Julien somehow grew stronger in the wake of their lived, though unshared tragedy.

No, the image that remained with Lorelei was the memory of three bronzed young men sweating under a brassy summer sun, the trio working together, building a home for the one of them who was newly wed, with each striving to outdo the others in front of the new bride, and each having reason to want to.

The young men worked together in the same manner in which they had played as boys, missing no opportunity to either whole-heartedly help one another, or to light-heartedly slander one another’s efforts, whichever the situation called for in the moment. And from the sidelines Lorelei watched her home rise from their calloused, but caring hands the same way she’d watched them as a child, wanting to be a part, but knowing she would be in their way. The boys had been the best of friends for as far back as Lorelei could remember, clear back to when she was little more than a babe watching their hi-jinx from the prison-like confines of her shaded porch, longing to be big enough to join them in the yard for their games. Lorelei had loved these three all her life long.

The first of the three boyhood friends was her own brother Michael, four years Lorelei’s senior and forever her idol; the boy who could do no wrong in her eyes, nor in the eyes of any other in their small town. Beautiful, smart, athletic, and the self-proclaimed protector of his younger sister. That was her Michael.

The second of the boys would become her husband. Julien, the dusty and brash one. Even as a boy Julien had seemed larger than life, and had grown into a man even bigger. Julien first swore to marry Lorelei when she was seven years old, and he twelve. She would never forget the jiggly feeling inside her when Julien had first taken her tiny, vulnerable hands in his own. She had committed herself to Julien then and there, before she was old enough to know what love was, as he gazed straight-away through her eyes and into her soul while solemnly vowing to her, "Don't laugh, Lorelei. I am going to marry you, I swear it. So you must promise me now that you will never love another."

Unable to voice a response, Lorelei had given affirmation to his childish promise with the nod of her head, though even back then she had known the nod was a lie. But she never, all through the years, doubted that Julien had meant his vow, as he took pains to remind her over the course of their lives by insisting that he be the first to hold her hand, and the first to kiss her lips. Julien had been her first for nearly everything.

The third boy, though. It was that third boy whom Lorelei’s fascination revolved around. Rainey, the quiet boy. Rainey was Lorelei's true, if secret love. She had never once looked at Rainey Davan (and she had looked at him a million-billion times) without longing. But Poor Rainey never promised Lorelei anything. He was too quiet, too shy. In all those years Rainy rarely even spoke to her that his tawny cheeks did not blush pink. But he was always there, quietly in the background, quick to help, or quick to hug. And their eyes always met, and her heart always flinched, but there was always Julien between them... right up until that night when he wasn't.

Julien was away at college, Rainey was not. Their meeting that night was accident, or fate, who knows which? The dock was her quiet place, so she was startled, if not disappointed, to find Rainey there sitting alone in the dark. She sat down beside him, their bare feet dangling in the cool water, he as quiet as always while crickets, and bullfrogs, and lightning bugs made light of the solemness surrounding them.

”Are you really going to marry him?”

”Yes. I suppose.”

His breath became ragged. “What will I do then?”

The despair clotting his throat was too much for Lorelei to bare. She would never hurt Rainey for anything, so her hand found his lying on the weathered boards of the dock and rested gently atop it. She could not see his face in the darkness, but she could feel his warmth, and the pulsing of his heart as her own sensed it’s anguish.

”You have waited too long, Rainey. He has already asked me, and I have already said yes.” They were the proper words, though in their own longing they lacked the necessary conviction.

”He claimed you when we were ten.”

”He has always loved me.”

”So have I.”

And rhythmic waves slapped the dock, rocking them. And cool winds caressed their skin, chilling them. And a waning moon shone, speckling black the water, illuminating their furtive love in it’s pale light. And so it happened that Julien was not the first for everything.

Of course, Julien returned come spring, a budding lawyer. The wedding was in the fall, with winter whispering the breeze, and secrets shadowing the leaves. And the honeymoon was long for her, and the Keys as quiet as Rainey, and the ocean as restless as she. And man and wife secretly pretended it was the first time as they explored one another, sharing themselves as love requires. For she did love Julien. He was easy to love. He made love easy. So it was with a surprising unsavoriness that Lorelei discovered what she had always conjectured; that one can indeed love two.

But how could she ever be happy with two? And how could she ever be happy now with one?

A daughter came first, with Rainey’s eyes, then a son with Julian’s. And the girl was shy, and the boy clever, and Julien watched them both grow with interest, but if he wondered he never did so aloud.

And Rainey and Michael went into business together, building houses, and Julien‘s practice grew, and the three of them became as successful as the little town would and could allow them to be, and all were happy, but one. And Rainey Davan never married, and everyone knew why, but one. But the secrets never told themselves, nor the whispers, and her guilt consumed her from the inside out, and Lorelei wondered that Julien never wondered.

It was a weeknight, when her brother Michael was murdered. Lorelei could remember exactly which night, it being her last one with Rainey. Being in business together it was easy for the law to assume Rainey a motive, and so it did, and so the town did, particularly when a witness came forward, declaring the height to be right, and the build… though the witness had not seen the face.

Of course Julien defended Rainey. Julien‘s show was compelling, too, but whispers are too much for truth, and secrets, so Rainey hanged as they all knew he would. Lorelei watched from her husband’s side as her other half died. And though her breath caught once, she did not cry, nor he. She could not, could she? But she could have told. And she wondered that he didn’t? Ever the quiet one, Rainey Davan, right up to the last. Always too quiet for his own good.

But love does not end with death, and Lorelei’s did not. And in the dark of night she slipped away to one love, as always. And as always, the other love watched her go. And as always, the one patiently awaited her. And as always, the other roiled behind.

But she was not bitter as her finger blindly traced the name carved in the stone. How could she be, when she was alive, and still able to love? And she wondered at the behaviors love inspires? For it was love that kept Rainey quiet, when an alibi would save him. Just as it was love kept her quiet, when that alibi was she.

And love reveals itself to each of us differently; some cheating for it, others dying for it, and some? Well, some will kill to keep it.

And that kind of love is still love, is it not?

That killing kind of love is still love.

(Inspired by Lefty Frizell/ Johnny Cash’s “Long Black Veil”. I am personally partial to Lefty’s haunting voice on this tune, but either will skin the cat.)