Pain

I can't help but feel this soul sucking feeling.

I'm spiraling, spiraling down.

We've done this old dance,

this singsong again.

I know, this tune never will end.

My lips are chapped, the cracks are edging to the ends,

Making tiny tears at the corner that sting.

My nose is stuffy from my eyes blinking and batting away at the tears that threaten.

I'm not feeling good today.

I've made much progress, but I'm feeling like I'm quietly suffocating.

The pain is so much, why can't I make it go away?

Please just make it go away!

Just go away!

Just stop screaming in my ears,

Stop leading me down to another solution!

I'm tired of solutions.

I'm tired of 'working' oh so tirelessly.

The rewards aren't good enough anymore.

Nothing really is.

But I know that's not entirely true.

"Good job."

"You're strong."

Pats on the back.

None of it makes all the loneliness crack.

The eyes, oh they stare, the expectations high.

When I falter or fall, they all turn away.

When I voice one bit of negativity, suddenly I'm not fun.

No joy.

No course, no meal they'd employ.

I'm cracking.

I'm breaking.

So beautifully so.

But my misery is ugly,

at least I like to believe that they'd say so.

So effortful, so annoyingly

Buried under mountains of paperwork.

I tug and pull, but more stacks come my way.

More deadlines,

more papers.

MORE FUCKING PAPERS!

Just to survive another day.

One less day closer to shut off.

One more bill 'paid off!'

But at what expense?

My expense?

The peaks, the valleys, the red slips, the pink slips, the yellow!

Fuck all the paper!

Fuck all the progress!

I want to torch the desk,

the throw it all into the fire.

Let me breathe!

Let me breathe.

Let me breathe...

Breathe...

Breathe.

I just don't want to be in pain.

I'm tired of constantly 'surviving,'

I just want to fucking live.