Cluster Fuckery
A Prose Pro.
"When the going gets weird the weird turn pro."-Hunter S Thompson
Fore scores are seven beers ago. I'm not a computer expert by any means, so I may need clarification on this one. Is this writing website riddled with bugs and glitchery? My posts are always butchered like a mutton after pushing the publish button. It's damn near impossible to click on anything ever. I've also noticed mathematical shortcomings in the trending/popular categories. Oh Goddamn. I have to refer back to the site to maintain accuracy and I'm dreading the button fumbling.
But first, a quick quip about a quizzical matter I don't understand.
"Goddamn" is my favorite word. I use it way too often and love it. However, I live in the deep South and speaking it aloud is frowned upon. It's blasphemy to use the lord's name in vain.
"God don't need a damn he can walk on water."-Ignorant Assholes Who Try to Ruin my Fun
Have you ever laughed at that ridiculous ass language your kids or younger siblings pulled out of their asses? It's kind of cute, but it's also irrelevant as fuck, right? God doesn't care about our pig Latin. He cares about our actions, jackasses. I do not, can not, and will not ever apologize for my goddamn language broseph.
The word "jackasses" enveloped my whole brain in another unrelated matter I'll force a segue back to momentarily. Segway is the standing mobility scooter. Shut up.
A post I wrote entitled "Haunted" is sitting beneath two posts that have a lot less reads than mine. I'm at 49, they're at 9 and 11 respectively. That's close but entirely inaccurate. I already forgot the exact numbers and don't feel like fumbling around with The Prose buttons again. I do know this. My post was written around 12 hours ago and already has enough views to sit atop the "popular" and "trending" lists. I can't enjoy what I can only assume to be a victory. I don't think anyone can make heads or tails of any of it. If you're reading this right now, we can simply agree upon acknowledging my greatness. Yes, the crazy train IS tooting its own horn as it goes off track and comes right back.
Had to write "is" in all caps because The Prose doesn't acknowledge italics either. (See if I get a like out of those guys again.)
A post I wrote entitled "Haunted" is sitting beneath two posts that have a lot less reads than mine. I'm at 49, they're at 9 and 11 respectively. That's close but entirely inaccurate. I already forgot the exact numbers and don't feel like fumbling around with The Prose buttons again. I do know this. My post was written around 12 hours ago and already has enough views to sit atop the "popular" and "trending" lists. I can't enjoy what I can only assume to be a victory. I don't think anyone can make heads or tails of any of it and acknowledge my greatness. Yes, the crazy train IS tooting its own horn as it goes off track and comes right back. Had to write "is" in all caps because The Prose doesn't acknowledge italics. (See if I get a like out of those guys again.)
160 Jackasses.
The largest book in the world resides in a place I can't remember the name of and nobody ever gets to read it. At 92 cm (*36 in) long, 50 cm (20 in) wide and 22 cm (8.7 in) thick, it is the largest known medieval manuscript. Weighing 74.8 kg (165 lb), the Codex Gigas is composed of 310 leaves of vellum claimed to be made from the skins of 160 donkeys, or perhaps calfskin, covering 142.6 m2 (1,535 sq ft) in total.
In layman's terms, that fucking book is 3 feet long and well over a foot in width. It's 165 lbs of hand written precision. There are no mistakes or blemishes to be found amongst the diction. But when it comes to the actual history of that gigantic book, many mistakes are made. It was thought to have been written by a solitary monk who went batshit insane and finished it in one night without a single slip up. Donkeyshit is like bullshit but harder to get off your shoe. In tests to recreate the work, it is estimated that reproducing only the calligraphy, without the illustrations or embellishments, would have taken twenty years of non-stop writing. It also has a misleading moniker that often takes the place of it's proper title.
"The Devil's Bible."
They call it that because there's a big drawing of the devil inside. Nevermind the fact that it contains the entire Vulgate, Christian, and Jewish bibles amongst it's well crafted pages. The large drawing of the devil makes Satan look like a pussy. Satan is no pussy, sir. I believe the artist was purposefully calling out the Prince of Darkness. He or she was merely letting readers know that the Devil once liveD…no, that's a glitch in my own mainframe. I read words front to back and back to front simultaneously. Because I also believe there's a method to the madness unleashed by that goddamn writer from Elysium.
"The only mystery left is the word."-Unknowm
Holy shit I think I've been Mandela affected. That last quote there. It doesn't seem to exist anymore. I based an entire theory on all that is everything on that quote. Oh well. Nobody pays attention to a word I write or say. I could sit here and reminisce about that time I smoked crack with Nelson Mandela and nobody would even notice. But the quote is…a mystery.
My train of thought really does run around like a mad monk. You're about to wonder just what the hell I'm doing but it'll all tie itself up like magic shoes. What? Intelligent Design. That's what.
I'm not a fan of organized religion. It's all just hypocritical posturing for the sake of one's own psyche. But I am a very firm believer in intelligent design. The truth is easy to find because it's hiding in plain sight. The Merry Prankster is always jerking our chains and he laughs his ass off while he does it. Take the honey bee. Classic.
"If we were made in His image then call US by our name, most intellects do not believe in God but, they fear us just the same."-Erykah Badu, On and On
Honeybees are an affront to physics. Their paper thin wings shouldn't be able to create the lift necessary to achieve flight. Their aerodynamically inadequate little bodies shouldn't be able to sustain flight either. But the honeybee doesn't know a Goddamn thing about physics and continues to fly anyway. Then it stings a physicist on its way to pollinate all of these crops that keep us all alive. How about the number 23? Jim Carrey is rarely wrong. What? Nothing.
The spinning rock full of madness tilts 23 degrees on it's axis. There are also 23 pairs of chromosomes in a strand of DNA. Then there's the French Lick equation.
Larry Bird is one of the best basketball players ever born. He was a power forward for the mighty Boston Celtics and he was deadly from beyond the arc. (Three point line, nerd.) In the late '80s, nobody messed with the Celtics. They had an incredibly stingy defense and boasted all-time greats at every position. The only man insane enough to think he could walk into the Garden and beat them by himself was a Goddamn rookie named Michael Jordan. Jordan had to drag the Chicago Bulls into their first playoff appearance kicking and screaming. Their reward was a first round matchup against the league leading defense of the Boston Celtics. On the road. Nobody beat the Celtics in the Boston Garden. Nobody.
23 came in hotter than lava in a microwave. (Michael Jordan wore the number 23, nerd.) He scored early and often the Celtics had no answer. They threw double teams at him before throwing triple teams at him, but Jordan kept scoring. When it was all said and done, the Bulls lost. Nobody seemed to care about that fact after witnessing Jordan drop a playoff record 63 points against the team you couldn't score against. Larry Bird was at a loss. The man from French Lick Indiana couldn't come up with a rational explanation for Jordan's exploits and it showed in the post game news conference. A reporter asked him a question that was unrelated to Michael Jordan and this was his response.
"I don't think that's Michael Jordan at all. That's God disguised as Michael Jordan."-Larry Bird
God's number. You can't sit there and tell me that isn't mysterious ways at work, nerd. Ok I should apologize and explain that I'm just trying to be funny when I call you a nerd, nerd. I don't even know what I'm doing here. I was saying something about glitchery right? Joker Ring Around the Posers I presume. Ashes, asses. 160 donkey hides were used to create the Codex Gigas and I know nothing about any Devil Bible, nerd.
After reading over this post, I declare gibberish. I award me no points and may God have mercy on my cursing fucking soul.