Why Would You do This to My Brain?

There were so many things that you said, things that altered my brain forever. You told me you loved me. If you loved me, why would you say those things? Why would you say things that made me rethink my whole life? Things that made me rethink myself as a human.

“ Are you cheating on me?”, was the very first thing you accused me of when we were together for only two weeks.

“ Why were you talking to him?”, was the question that was asked when I was talking to one of my best friends.

“ Do you love me?” How was I supposed to know if I loved you or not? We were dating for a week.

“ You are staying the night, you don’t get a choice.”, the first time I was actually doubting the relationship.

“ If you love me you will fuck me.”, this was the first time I was pressured to have sex and it started the cycle of sexual abuse.

“ If your neck wasn't so fat the necklace would fit.” This, The time I lost all of the self-love I worked so hard to achieve.

“ I will get you pregnant so every guy in college knows you belong to me.”, what the actual fuck. It was at this point in the relationship that I realized how controlling he was.

“ You are going to take this with me.”, The time I was pressured to take drugs with him and I lost hope in myself and the rest of my life.

“ Who's the father?”, you asked me while I was in your backyard with you after telling you I am pregnant and getting an abortion.

All of these things changed my brain chemistry more than I ever thought they would. All of these words that my ex said changed my life and made it more difficult in a way. It made my relationships with my partners and friends difficult in more ways than one. The 5 stages of a breakup were interesting. Some of them were more intense than others.

Denial: Although he was highly abusive I did not believe we broke up right away. Every single thing he put me through. Emotional abuse, Mental abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse. I knew it was best that we broke up. I was safe after he decided to end it but I still did not want to believe it was true.

Anger: The amount of rage that filled my entire body once the denial ended. I was pissed that he hurt me. I did so much for him, I supported him and made sure he had what he needed. I spent money on him. I worked so hard for that relationship; all I got was abuse in every way possible. Each kind is worse than the other. I am surprised it took me so long to be livid at this shitty human being.

Bargaining: There was absolutely no bargaining! WHY WOULD I BARGAIN WITH HIM!!! I did not want him back. I did not want anything to do with him. He ruined my life however, HE WANTED ME BACK. HE BEGGED AND I SAID NO! I was proud of that moment.

Depression: I will not lie, I was extremely depressed once we broke up. I was not depressed that we broke up, I was depressed because I had an abortion when I deeply wanted a child. I cried for 45 minutes when we broke up, however, I cried for over a year when I had to give up my son. It was one of the best things I did for the safety of my son but in the end, it ripped a part of me out.

Acceptance: It took me a long time to accept what happened. I am still broken after the three years that ruined me. I have started healing but am not even close to being fully healed. I am away from him and it was the best thing that I have ever done. I got away from my abuser and it is the one thing I am most proud of in my life.