PAIN

Hi, my name is Lou and I would like to tell you about the worst feeling I have ever felt. I am a happy person who smiles easily and always sees the good side of things. However, since the beginning of the year I have felt a huge emptiness inside me twice. As if my body was made up of no organs, only emptiness in my body. The first time I felt this was the second week of January. The week before I had learned that my aunt's mother (on my mom's side) had passed away, her mom was a nice person and had a great memory for her age. I didn't know her very well but every time I met her she remembered my brother and I and the little events that had marked our lives. The funeral was supposed to be on Friday of the following week, but Thursday was the day that was too much. For about 3 months I had a 7:45 am pool so I would get up very early and finish very late at 6:30 pm with 1 hour to eat. But that Thursday was special because at the end of the day I had two tests, one in science and earth life and the other in physics, two subjects where I understand absolutely nothing and even more since I stopped taking math classes. Usually I don't care if I fail these tests but this time in physics at the last hour, I started to cry. I hate crying, for me it's a sign of weakness but I also know that this vision is false and that it's human to cry but I hate crying. So I started to cry on this test but so that no one would see it I hid behind my hair holding back any little noise that might show that I was crying. I think only my classmate saw it because she gave me a tissue. I turned in my test and when I got home I continued to cry even though the test was over but I couldn't stop myself. I felt nothing but emptiness. But the worst part of it all was that I couldn't figure out why I was crying. I never cried because I failed a test especially in physics, I think it's ridiculous to cry for a grade, even though I loved my aunt's mother I didn't know her well enough to get in such a state, I was very sad for my aunt and my cousins but I had the feeling that it wasn't for that that I was crying. On Thursday night I was sleeping with my cousin and she heard me crying so we went to the bathroom and she tried to cheer me up by asking me what was wrong but I couldn't explain it to her I was crying even more. This emptiness was getting bigger and bigger and I couldn't even figure out what was causing it. This emptiness left when I fell asleep.

The second time I felt this void was the week before the baccalauréat (in France). My grandmother (on my father's side) was in hospital for a small operation. The Sunday before I had gone to see her with my cousins who had to be motivated. My little brother and I had to explain to them why we had to go and visit our grandmother so that they would come. When we visited her she looked very weak, I had never seen my grandmother like that, she didn't have that cheerful look anymore. The doctors kept her under observation but she told us she would be out soon. The following Thursday I was in the library working and I got a message from my grandmother wishing me a good day as it was Saint Lou's day and just after she told me that my grandfather (her husband) had also been in hospital since Tuesday. So I immediately saw a message on the family group where there are my cousins, my uncle and my aunt and my father (but I haven't spoken to him for about 4 years for other reasons). In the message I explained to them that I was worried about my grandparents health but they told me not to worry that everything would be fine. Just after I called my grandmother to check up on her and she told me as if nothing had happened that she had cancer and that she had known about it for at least three months. So I made little jokes to hide my sadness and to hear her laugh. But that's when the emptiness came back, I felt nothing but sadness and emptiness again. As my grandmother just told me that, I thought that my cousins, my uncle and my aunt must not know about it. I sent a message back to them to tell them the news, and my uncle told me that they knew. This time I felt my organs and especially my heart, I thought it was going to give out and then the void. My uncle and aunt and I have never been very close but I wish they had told us. The hardest part of the story was telling my mum and my little brother. They are much more sensitive than me and hearing them cry on the phone just broke my heart.

This time, the void that was created disappeared because I focused on my exams. I really stopped thinking about it and focused on my exams. It's not the first time I've managed to detach myself from my emotions in this way. But at the same time, I can't stand feeling this emptiness. Sometimes I wonder if I really have a heart. I don't really know if I'll ever be able to fill this void, but the fact that I was able to express all my pain in writing made me feel a little better.