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Trigger Warning* of sexual violence* The Aftermath

I think I have grown until I am confronted in all the ways my rapist has created a stagnant 16 year old in me. A woman too scared to say anything that would bring disapproval to their eyes. I think I can have a fling until I am again confronted with all the ways I am not equipped for the aftermath. Myself. I wanted it until at moments I didn’t. I didn’t like that he choked me -at certain points it was too hard. Why didn’t I say anything? Because inwardly I was freaking out. Sometimes he went too hard. He didn’t try to build it up, he just tried to create it in a day.

I think I am better at navigating relationships but the passionate woman in me and the survivor are at odds it seems. Both should have a voice, but I do not know how to let them share the stage.

I wish I had said, “Don’t do that. Too hard, please be more gentle.” Instead I stayed silent.

And the gears start to click and grind and the old warped/ thinking begins to enter into my mind once again.

"Maybe this is all you deserve..."

And I go to sleep thinking of all the ways I have failed only to wake up and remember that the nightmare was real and the only monster in my mind is... me.

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fudo

there's a deep, inner strength in being a survivor, the actions of others are never your fault, I'm truly sorry for what happened, and I am inspired by your ability to turn that horrid experience into such powerful words

rlove327

This, @AnnFan14. Thank you for writing the words, @fudo, as you so often do.

AnnFan14

@Fudo, I so appreciate your words. I must admit I was scared to post this as it was a very personal experience. Thank you for your kind comment, it means more than you know :)

AJT

Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your story. <3

AnnFan14

Thank you for reading it and I really appreciate your comment :)

Douglasjd

You are brave to share something so private and intimate! Seriously. It also sparked something in my brain when you wrote about navigating relationships. I hope you don't mind me sharing it here since your story was the muse... "Passengers of Perception" Everything looks clearer in the rearview mirror. When driving through your relationships. Cruising. Laughing. Screaming. And crashing. Into everything. And everyone. Distracted. Executing illegal lane changes and failing to check our emotional blind spots.

AnnFan14

Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your own! I don't mind at all and love that it sparked those lines for you-that is your poem, correct? It is beautiful-again I like the looking into the rearview mirror image ALOT. It is so true though when we sometimes go on autopilot in our brains and think about past events. Thank you for sharing that I really enjoyed it!

Douglasjd

It is mine and most definitely came to me after reading your story. Thanks for sharing and I'm very glad that you enjoyed it.

AnnFan14

Wow, I feel very honored to have inspired such beautiful work! Thank you :) looking forward to checking out your own work in the future.