The Modern Workplace: The HR Department’s Total Disconnect From the Real Shit That Goes Down

Every once in a while my employer decides to call a meeting to revisit the human resources handbook to make sure us drones understand what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior within the hive. Of course, these mandatory HR trainings are about as enjoyable as a razor wire enema, but for some reason I actually paid attention this time around. As I sat their in the hard plastic chair feeling every nerve in my ass slowly go numb, I realized that HR handbooks, manuals, emergency toilet paper, or whatever you choose to call them are woefully out of step with the reality of today's workplace. So, as a service to all HR departments everywhere Shallowgenepool Press, (a subsidiary of Urban Idiot Publishing) has painstakingly researched the workplace issues that need to be addressed so that the average employee doesn't feel like their job is a prison sentence minus the shanks and being passed around like a rental sex toy for two packs of Top Ramen (chicken flavored of course) and a Snickers bar. This research has been used to compile a HR handbook that addresses the issues that the typical worker faces as they waste their lives away toiling for scraps.

Attendance:

Employees must arrive within 5 minutes of your scheduled start time with the following exceptions: a) Adherence to the attendance policy will vary depending on how much your union is in bed with organized crime. The more the mob is involved the greater the opportunity is to show up as late as you want or not at all. If management wants to avoid, "An unfortunate accident" they will turn a blind eye. b) If you're a member of a teacher's union, stay home and collect your check. You have total job security because no one is going to fire you when Beelzebub is your shop steward and your union contract is written in the blood of 13 virgins.

Vacation Time:

The employee must give 2 weeks notice when they want to take a vacation. See attendance policies a and b for possible exceptions. Or if you have incriminating photos of your supervisor from the company Christmas party where he was caught jingling the intern's bells the 2 week notice policy may be waived.

Dress Code:

Management reserves the right to have a total double standards in terms of dress code. For example, men may not wear flip-flops. By definition, a flip-flop is open toed footwear worn without socks which lacks a back strap at the heel often associated with beachwear. Women can wear flip flops if they are somehow decorated with tassels, rhinestones, or glitter as any decoration allows flip-flops to piss on logic and become, "Sandals." By this logic one should be able to go to work commando wearing nothing below the border but a rhinestone covered pair of assless chaps. When confronted by management one could say, "They're not assless chaps. The rhinestones make them qualify as pants with a design that is boldly minimalist in terms of the amount and location of material used." But no, men must adhere to a business casual dress code consisting of a button down shirt, slacks or professional looking jeans, and closed toed shoes. The policy insures that men will clothed to the point where they can have a clam bake in the crotch of their Dockers during the warmer months of the year.

Theft:

Theft of any kind will not be tolerated and if caught, the appropriate discipline will be dispensed. For example, whichever waste of an orgasm stole the author's energy drink from the breakroom refrigerator deserves to be gutted like a mackerel in a fish cannery and have their now fully exposed intestines set on fire in front of them. Since it isn't likely that this thief will ever caught, the author hopes the thief contracts an especially virulent strain of herpes that invades every orifice of their body while existing in a perpetual state of flare up. Caffeine is the only addiction the author of this handbook has and as such depriving him of this sweet elixir of wakefulness will allow his many other psychoses to come out to play. AND WE DON"T WANT THAT NOW DO WE?

Romantic Relationships With Coworkers:

While management cannot stop employees from engaging in romantic relationships with their coworkers it can warn its employees that this can transform the work environment into a hormonal driven shit show. For example, Bob and Jane work at the same company and start dating. At first, everything goes well and their coworkers say things like, "I'm so happy for them. They're so good together." However, should Bob and Jane's relationship go south its demise will become a hot topic for discussion around the office. Bob may overhear one of Jane's work friends say, "I never understood what Jane saw in Bob anyway. He's not that good looking and according to Jane, he's hung like a rat's nipple." Of course, Bob now feels bad and starts telling his coworkers about Jane saying things such as, "At first it was a little kinky which was alright, but when Jane proposed a threesome with her elementary school lunch lady along with her mashed potato serving spoon I was out!" The result of Bob and Jane's deteriorating relationship is that the office becomes a hostile work place and no one can get the mental visual of their own elementary school's lunch lady being naked in bed out of their heads. Of course, this leads to a greater need for mental health services which raises health insurance cost and greatly reduces workplace morale.

Cubicle Etiquette:

If you are assigned a cubicle, feel free to make it your own. A pleasant work space is a production work space. However, here are some helpful hints to keep your cubicle area a fun, comfortable, and safe place to work:

a) Avoid decorating with, "Live, Laugh, Love" signage of any kind. Some of your coworkers won't like this directive and suggest that you, "Choke, Gag, and Bite Me."

b) Use of your cellphone during breaktime is acceptable, but no one wants to hear you talking to the plumber about installing an industrial strength toilet because your husband has a great love for Taco Bell but is cursed with a digestive system that considers cornflakes and milk to be too spicy. So please use a quiet voice and consider those who may have no choice but to learn about the never ending battle between Chalupa Supremes and your husband's colon.

c) Eating at your cubicle is acceptable, but please keep in mind that your cubicle mates are experiencing the smells of the food you are enjoying. Foods such as cooked broccoli, fish, and burnt microwave popcorn have a very unpleasant smell which lingers in the air for hours. Management will not be held responsible if your olfactoraly tormented coworkers throw you and your leftover catfish surprise out the third floor window. However, management will send a nice basket of fruit to your significant other instead of actually attending your funeral.

Sexual Harassment:

Harassment of any kind will not be tolerated and this includes harassment of a sexual nature. As such employees can be disciplined or fired if found to be:

a) Engaging in unwanted touching or using sexually suggestive language with or towards a fellow employee. For example, dry humping Jane's (She broke up with Bob right? So this is cool) from accounts receivable's leg in front of the coffee machine is likely to be unwanted touching (and a burn hazard). Also, saying to Jane, "I bet you sound like a rabid weasel in a hen house when you make love" would also be considered sexual harassment. Please keep your barely contained slobbery animal lust to yourself.

b) For many, the dirty joke is harmless fun. However, to others jokes that begin with, "An Amish girl, talking dildo, and priest are forced to share a hotel room" are at the height of impropriety. To these more conservative individuals such banter is dangerous and creates the temptation to give in to their lustful and hot, sweaty, howl at the moon, need more batteries, sticky, and where did that gerbil go carnal desires As such, save your dirty jokes for home or if not there for your favorite creative writing site.

There you have it, an HR handbook that addresses the real issues without forcing you to watch such videos as, "No You Can't Have Fries With That Shake: An Employee's Guide to Recognizing and Avoiding Unwanted Sexual Behavior."

If you found this handbook helpful, please check out these other great titles from Shallowgenepool Press:

The New Gonorrhea: Not the Same Clap Your Dad Brought Back From 'Nam

Teenage Pregnancy: How Two Minutes in the Back of A Camaro Can Lead to a Lifetime of Snotty Noses, Mini Vans, and Worthless Husbands Who Leave You For that Cheap, Double Jointed Stripper