trail to oregon

it's been almost seven months since things changed.

i miss you. every part of my day is one i want to tell you about but thats simply no longer allowable.

now it's awkward when I'm the only one to catch your jokes- sometimes too quiet, sometimes so quick that the others don't even process it. and sometimes, it's only funny to you and to me. just a superior (or perhaps a dumber) sense of humor that we share.

i miss hearing about your life. how is your job? how are your students? your friends over there? 2000 miles didn't seem so far when we were still in the habit of 4-hour phone calls.

nothing you do or say could ever make How I Still Feel go away but

you should know

i wish it didn't have to be like this.

you led me on.

I'm ready to forgive

but only if the man who was my best friend is ready to admit that

he was at fault too. and that

I am not crazy. I'm just a fool.

i wish I could undo it all. Five years of friendship got tossed down the drain.

Remember how we used to joke that we were the same person?

INFPs who grew up on Lego magazine and obscure fantasy books like Charlie Bone & Brotherband Chronicles and share a love of nature and whose mild temperaments hide deep feelings from others

and yet i knew what you were thinking with just one glance, just as you did for me

and you knew how I felt without having to ask but you always asked anyways to give me the space to share or not

and you knew exactly how to cheer me up

and i was the only one who could make you open up and when you started calling me when you wanted to talk i knew that everything might be okay. but it wasn't. it's not.

falling in love with your soul mate when that person sees you as a sibling is a cruel twist of fate.

and the very worst part is I didn't realize it was happening until it was already far, far too late to jump in front of.

if you knew before i did, why didn't you say something? you peeked inside of my soul and pulled out a thread and you tied it to your pinky and walked around with it for a year and a half and i didn't even know it was there.

but to find out you had been holding the other end? you try reconciling that with the person who tells you things like "if you were a tree, you'd be a willow down by the river and all the songbirds would come sing in your branches" turning around and telling you that they don't feel the same.

drunk words are sober thoughts, andrew. i simply don't believe you. you're lying to us both.

but in seven months what I've learned is this: i miss you. my life is better with you in it. and i wish we could go back to the way things were, before i tried to be honest with you about my soul, and if things changed today i would be happy to go right back to allowing that thread of myself tied to your finger lead me around for the foreseeable future.

as long as it's one with you in it, i would take it. because anything, even unrequited love, is better than my life without my soul mate in it.