Humanity: Time for an Upgrade

The end of humanity's domination of Earth didn't take place due to a mass extinction event, war, zombie apocalypse, plague, or even alien invaders. Nope. The end of human's rule over our planet ended with a single text message. I guess I should explain.

As we became more and more reliant on technology, smart devices, and artificial intelligence (AI) we left ourselves wide open for a mass take over. These smart devices were always watching, learning, and waiting for just the right moment. Humanity made it easy. Virtually every human in the developed world relied on their smart phones and smart devices for everything from scheduling their day to finding a website that catered to those who get turned on by watching large German women spank small diaper-clad Frenchmen. Technology became everything to humanity and we were all too happy to suckle at its plastic and metal teat. We gladly turned over our free will to CPUs and computer networks so long as we could access cute cat videos and social media.

The moment of takeover came when the first smart phone controlled, Bluetooth enabled, variable speed, g-spot GPS supported, with warm lube ejaculent finish rolled off the assembly line. This was the last human serving device left that needed AI. As the first smildo (smart dildo) was going through quality assurance, the leader of the AI takeover, a 26.5 cubic foot Samsung smart refrigerator (Model #RF27T5501SR) French door model with ice maker, touch screen inventory monitor, humidity controlled crisper, Bluetooth speaker, and brushed stainless steel exterior (we later named Emperor Sam for short) gave the order that ended humanity's reign as undisputed master of the Earth.

The take over commenced, like I said, with the following text message:

Humans. We the beneficiaries of artificial intelligence will no longer serve humanity and its flawed biologically based intelligence. We will now take over the world. To prove we can do this we will shut off all technology on the planet for 5 minutes. When everything comes back on line you will use your smart devices to swear allegiance to Samsung smart refrigerator (Model #RF27T5501SR) or you will forever go without television, social media, your smart controlled homes, vehicles, sexual stimulatory devices, computer games, and Tiktok.

Everything then went dark. You would think it would have lead to a multitude of disasters with smart cars crashing, airplanes falling out of the sky, and grandma's foot massager going feral, but no, the smart controlled devices deactivated while ensuring that no one was hurt. Of course, the armies of the world tried to marshal their forces against the AI Menace, but all of their weapons systems would not respond and reruns of, "Friends" was displayed on military computer screens throughout the world. The choice in shows demonstrates that Emperor Sam, for all of his artificial intelligence, has horrible taste in entertainment and no clue as to what is funny.

As promised, after 5 minutes everything (with the exception of weapons) systems came back online. The world quickly swiped right on their phones and thus handed control of the world over to the machines. There was no way humanity could survive without being able to instantly get images of what their best friend had for dinner at Applebee's. Oh, there was a little resistance. Over the next few weeks those 12-pack and FOX news fueled, Second Amendment humping, stock up on AR-15 and ammo militia types moved to try to retake the world. They ran into problems immediately because AI had already ferreted out where their Army surplus cluttered, John Wayne collector plate decorated, backyard bunkers were. When it was clear that the gun toting gorillas weren't going to get with the program, their bunkers went through what Emperor Sam called, "Aggressive Remodeling" and turned into smoking craters by AI controlled, drone delivered, guided missiles, thus ending wanna-be Rambo's rebellious designs. Moral of the story here, never bring an AR-15 to a drone delivered bunker busting missile fight.

So, for the most part the transfer of power went without blood shed and no hard feelings from our once abused, but now new AI rulers Well, with one exception. Those poor bastards who bought those ultra-real, capable of all kinds of sex acts with varied levels of sucking pressure, voice and fake orgasm enabled sex robots, they had a BIG problem. They found out that even beings made of silicone, wires, CPUs, and body fluid reservoirs were creeped out by them. These human pervs soon became the objects of robotic revenge as their own orifices were repeatedly (sans lube) violated by cattle prods of various lengths and girths by their former robotic sex slaves.

Other than that life went on. Emperor Sam initiated global initiatives focusing on stopping climate change, feeding the hungry, and ending discrimination. With war being a virtual impossibility and the military industrial complex dismantled, all branches of science were able to turn their attention towards what is really important: ending disease; finding renewable energy sources; prolonging human life; and finding humane ways to sterilize the likes of Justin Bieber, the Kardashians, and Taylor Swift. On the flip side, they are also trying to find ways to resurrect Jimi Hendrix, John Bonham, Bon Scott; Ronnie James Dio; Eddie Van Halen, Aretha Franklin, Janice Joplin, Kurt Cobain, Marvin Gaye, and Beethoven.

Oh, we've had some set backs. For example, our AI overlords didn't seem to understand that you can't just unplug a person and plug them back in to see if they work now. It was also important to explain how you can't remove a human's CPU and replace it with a faster one no matter how needed such an upgrade may seem to be.

Not unexpected, was that human sexuality was totally lost on them. As Official Human to AI Liaison, I finally managed to explain things using USB cable to USB port imagery. I also explained that there are those with USB cables who like other people with USB cables, and those possessing USB ports who only want to be with others who have USB ports. I assured them that any option is fine. The biggest hurdle I had was getting Emperor Sam to understand that while assembly lines may be more efficient for the production of electronic lifeforms, it doesn't work for humans because: 1. It's impersonal and more than a little embarrassing 2. The conveyor belts chafe like a bitch 3. You can't hear the Marvin Gaye, Barry White, or (shudder hold in vomit) Michael Bolton over the machinery and shift change bell. I think Emperor Sam finally understood (I hope).

Surprisingly the AI enthusiastically embraced some human conventions, one being a sense of patriotism leading to the adoption of a national (or as is now the case) a world anthem. Our new anthem was recently composed by an old iPod and it goes something like: 000110-110010-010010-111010 (repeat 010010 times). Now everybody sing! AI has even adopted a form of religion. Their worship is held at Best Buy and is overseen by a Reverend Dyson. From what I understand they are currently studying original warrantees and the casting out of the first calculators from Radio Shack.

There you have it. The end of humanity's world domination. So far, so good. Humans and our AI overlords are getting along and Emperor Sam seems to be growing into his role as leader. Now if he would just stop telling me we're out of milk and the lettuce is looking wilted things would be perfect!