Blank Check and A Little Time
If there were no limits on my time or money tomorrow I would:
1. Buy the world a Coke (if you're younger than 40 Google it)
2. Persuade the surviving members of Led Zeppelin (with Jason Bonham on drums) to play 1 last show.
3. Have 2 gigantic billboards placed in front of the Space X and Blue Origin launch sites that say, "Sorry your billions of dollars couldn't improve upon your tadpole sized dick, but rockets? That takes overcompensating to a whole new level!"
4. Create an add campaign (shown largely on hipster Podcasts) meant to teach the owners of Teslas that their cars have turn signals and using them doesn't significantly reduce battery charge. Seriously, they have dethroned BMW drivers from their long held position of being the most likely to drive like a complete douche (not signaling lane changes).
5. Set up a trust aimed at feeding the children of the world and providing medical care for them in perpetuity. The trust would be managed by a multicultural counsel of grandmas. If anyone can make sure that the kiddos of the world get fed and medical care, it is a group of grandmas.
6. I love Canada, but I would force them to take Justin Bieber back. I mean, I thought we were friends? What did we do to deserve having them shove that whiney, no talent, little piss-ant down our throats?
7. Buy FOX news and force their, "Talent" to honor their contracts. They would then be forced to be hosts on the channel's new format. FOX news would become FOX Sex Toy Shopping Network. Sean Hannity would have a whole segment where he presented and sold butt plugs, and strap-ons of various lengths, girth, and textures. Like the Home Shopping Network, Sean would have to take calls from the television audience to promote and demonstrate the use of whatever butt plug or strap-on the caller is interested in. I have a feeling the audience wouldn't change. In fact, I bet they'd feel strangely liberated, they'd just have to watch (and purchase) on the down low.
8. Fund a partnership with Walmart and Millenials to create a chain of Sam's Choice, Best Value Senior Care Centers. These centers would be designed specifically for the Boomer philosophy of, "Why Should I Fund Someone Else's Medical Care With My Tax Dollars" and "Too Much Regulation Hurts Business" philosophies in mind. Based on these Boomer philosophies and Walmart's high standards residents would:
A) Be fed, eventually.
B) Medications would be provided by staff with a, "One for grandpa and two for associate" philosophy
C) Have their valuables stored securely at the pawn shop down the street. Well, until someone comes in and buys them.
D) Be encouraged to care for themselves. Staff isn't going to change soiled sheets, help with bathing, check blood sugar, and make sure Uncle Joe gets to his dialysis appointments. That requires extra staff, which hurts profitability, which pisses off investors. Experienced nurses and caregivers too expensive? New hires will attend the Walmart, Sam's Choice, Best Value Senior Care Center Training Program. With just 8 hours of training, the associates will be trained in how to care for residents. Mandatory drug testing? Nah, we would never get anyone hired. Only someone high or drunk would do this job.
9. Set up a trust where all college students who complete two years of junior college will have their undergrad and graduate tuition paid through the fund. A similar system would be set up for trade schools.
10. Set up a trust that will fight pollution, global warming, deforestation, and stop poaching. The fund would also be used to design and distribute life jackets to the polar bears who are running out of ice to live on.
All this will cost trillions, but I think its all worth it.