I Would

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

If I were free, what would I do tomorrow?

A conundrum, to be sure.

Would I rest?

Perhaps I would rest.

Perhaps I would stay in bed and order food and lounge in a way I've never been able to accomplish in my short life. Perhaps I would go to a spa, get a haircut, paint my nails-- do all of those things neglected in the name of paying the bills-- neglected in the prison that is paycheck to paycheck.

For surely, I am in that prison now... but what if tomorrow really were different? What then? Would I waste even one more day shunning my heart's desires? What if tomorrow, I could go to the grocery store without accounting for every apple? Without putting back the healthy food and replacing it with cheap cereal? Am I thinking too small? I suppose I am.

But.

It's hard to imagine a life free of such petty strife.

But tomorrow, if I were truly free, what would I do?

Would I rest?

No.

I would not rest. I would not.

I would live.

I would live dangerously well.

Most probably, tomorrow, I would give my house away. I would give away the meaningless things collected in a quest of owning. I would pay off the debt. I would buy ten thousand acres of land and give it back to the people. I would build that sanctuary for single mothers I always talked about. I would plant wildflowers and evergreens and potatoes. I would commission artwork to decorate the walls of my life. I would stay up late talking with the friends I have neglected in the name of getting by. I would fund a volunteer fire department. I would sit with my grandmother. I would write the story of her life, as I've always promised to do.

I would finally, finally, make good on everything I ever said I would do.

I would unbreak the little lies that I never meant to utter.

I would live.

And then, I would journey. I would see cathedrals and mountaintops and chase waterfalls until my feet were sore from clambering over slippery stones. I would learn French and German and Chinese. I would go to South America and polish up my Spanish. I would speak to people a world away from me in their own languages. I would immerse myself in cultures separate from my own.

I would read everything.

I would write.

And write.

And write.

I would go horseback riding with my daughters and dig up dinosaur bones with my son. I would lay languid, awash in sunset beams alongside my husband.

I would eat. I want to taste the world.

I would swim with dolphins.

I would run.

I would feel the wind in my hair.

I would laugh.

And maybe, perhaps, I would be happy. Truly happy. Truly myself for the first time ever.

I would give because doing so wouldn't chip away at the heart of me. I would give and give and give because I wouldn't have to make sure that some was left over for me anymore.

I could be enough.

There would be enough-- for everyone-- if only tomorrow would come.

But, when you're barely surviving from moment to moment...there is no tomorrow.