love

I gave up everything to chase making myself feel worthy to come back to it

I was denied three times

One last occasion I asked to learn with, and keep trying without

I was so close

this last rebuked state is the last thing I remember

Rebellions so deep I drown in them for years

Ironically it was hate that woke me up

hate that made me so angry and revolted

I revolted

I gave up everything to chase what I once started with, in hopes to come back to it

I am denied everyday

not on occasions but because it is all gone

I was so obsessed with how I loved him wrongly I killed who I could have been

now he is gone and there is no one I want to be

no one ever loved me, only dogs

Even he pretended I think, but I am not sure why

I revolted

for 365 days for 6 years I attempted to be loved more by God

to know how to find love from all that I have left

Ironically it was love that woke me up

in the middle of hating that I didn’t even have anywhere to go die

something changed and the patterns undeniably shared but individually lived

6 months in to being who I was when I started- before I gave everything up to be worthy

and all I gained is gone and makes me sick so much I hate I had any of it

meaningless

so now am i meaningless

if i could have been this, then, the world would be different

I am still here, unworthy and with no idea how to become so

I wish I had not pretended to be asleep

it's something terrible to wake up from

I want to go home all the time, I always wondered why

learning the answer is killing me and I have to work every moment to not let my mind go

the only revolt left would be death

2 hugs a year keep me from death

F2 hugs 2x a year is what I have learned now for me, is love.