Justice Vibrates: The Shallow Gene Pool Story

I didn't mean for this to happen and I never wanted anyone to get hurt. All I wanted to do was stand up for my fellow citizens. I got tired of watching our elected officials enrich themselves at the expense of the people they're sworn to serve. Instead of being servants to the people, politicians have become nothing more than Armani and Versace clad whores to lobbyists, special interests, and corporations. They enjoy massive salaries, free health care, and kick backs from corporations and special interests who have no interest in securing the freedoms and welfare of the people. Meanwhile, their electorate suffers. Children go hungry, the elderly go without medical care, veterans go without mental health services and housing, and the Kardashians are still allowed to procreate. Conservative or Liberal, they all tell the lies, make promised they have no intention of keeping, and they all have agendas that run contrary to the needs of the people they represent. The only difference between Conservative or Liberal is they just wrap their duplicity and bullshit in different colored paper. It was time to take a stand.

My plan was simple, but expensive. After emptying my 401k, I purchased 546 Bum Plumber Butt Plugs with three speed vibrating action (FYI you can buy sex toys in bulk and get a volume discount). This was enough to provide everyone in congress, the supreme court, and executive branch with a Bum Plumber. I also purchased batteries for each anal joy buzzer because I've always hated getting a gift that requires batteries without the needed batteries. I then packaged each Bum Plumer and batteries for mailing and included a note to the government official that read:

"We the people of the United States have been betrayed by you and the other public servants who were elected or sworn to serve us. This gift is meant promote a sense of empathy in you and your fellow elected officials because you should feel the same ass-tearing pain your constituents feel when you fuck us with the razor wire wrapped shaft made of broken promises, failed legal protections, and unmet basic human needs. Please enjoy this gift from your constituents and feel free to go fuck yourselves. Sincerely, Shallow Gene Pool and the American people you have fucked without the benefit of lube or breakfast the day after."

I then mailed my little presents to every elected official in Washington. It was meant to be a harmless symbolic gesture. I had no idea that the recipients would actually USE the Bum Plumbers. Unfortunately, the enthusiastic use of the gifted anal stimulators caused several deaths. The medical examiners placed the cause of death in two categories.

1. Cardiac issues. Since many Bum Plumber recipients were of advanced age, when used, the jackhammer like vibration of the plug led to cardiac arrest. I guess the Bum Plumber should come with a warning label similar to those used for rollercoasters. "Those with the following conditions should not ride: Heart conditions or abnormal blood pressure, expectant and unexpectant mothers, and those with a medical sensitivity to probe effects." Sadly, the Bum Plumber proved to be a bipartisan killer ending the lives of amongst others, Mitch McConnell, Republican Kentucky and Bernie Sanders, Democratic-Socialist, Vermont. You would think they would know better because they're both old enough to have taught the Virgin Mary's Lamaze classes. I guess wisdom doesn't always come with age.

2. Bowel obstruction. Some users of the Bum Plumer were too aggressive and the vibrating butt plug migrated further into their bum plumbing than is recommended. Fearing that the use of a the Bum Plumber may be leaked to the media and hurting the chance of being reelected, those in this category failed to seek medical attention to treat their self-imposed anal retention. Without timely treatment, the Bum Plumber induced bowel obstruction eventually led to the rupturing of intestines which led to death. Marjorie Taylor Greene, Republican Georgia's autopsy showed that the Bum Plumber dug into her intestines like a Georgia tick on a fat hound dog. The other congresswoman of note who died due to butt plug related blockage was Lauren Boebert, Republican Colorado. It appears that the Bum Plumber traveled Rocky Mountain high up her ass and into her intestines. Neither congresswoman sought medical attention and no one noticed that they were ill because on their best day, they looked like they had a traffic cone strategically shoved up their poop shoot. One bowel obstruction Bum Plumber fatality that I was wrongfully charged with was that of former president, Bill Clinton. I didn't even send him a Bum Plumber! Bill's cause of death is a tragic but unsurprising coincidence, I swear!

Unfortunately, since I used PayPal to pay for the hundreds of the Bum Plumbers, I was quickly made the prime suspect. Still, I was shocked when I was charged with multiple counts of first degree murder. The charge was first degree murder because the prosecution argued that when I included batteries with the surprisingly deadly Bum Plumbers it implied premeditation. Despite having great representation courtesy of a defense fund provided by the good people at K-Y Jelly, I was found guilty and sentenced to Death.

To my surprise, I've become a cult hero and received a commercial spokesperson deal with the Adam and Eve Adult Toy Company. I've also sold the rights to my story to Hollywood. A major motion picture based on my story is ready for release. It's called, " Justice Vibrates: The Shallow Gene Pool Story." Paul "Pee-Wee Herman" Reuben's is going to play me. I'm told it's already getting Oscar buzz.

Death Row isn't so bad. You get your own cell with no fear of involuntary cellmate romance. I'm not worried about the Grim Reeper's needle because thanks to the detailed customer list provided by Adam and Eve I now have appeal leverage on some VERY naughty politicians. A little political quid pro quo and I should be out on parole before Christmas.