A silly dreamer’s raving, really.

The way our minds can play reels in our heads of memories that never happened.

Cover up the dust and cobwebs with...

Rainbow sprinkles and cotton candy.

Mine tries to.

I can't blame it.

I haven't had the worst life,

Nor the best.

Everyone's kind of struggling and everyone's got their goods and bads.

I guess it is weird, though.

Letting my imagination rule over me too long.

I like to draw up visions of prettier things, once in a while.

A sort of rose-coloured glass over a crimson memory.

I once dreamt of a girl...

I call her The Girl in the Yellow Dress.

I hardly think of her now but that day...

We were running in a field.

Her hand in mine.

Till this day, I have a bit of a thing for gingers and it's all her fault.

But I woke up.

And the dance was done.

And she disappeared from my very fingertips with a smile on her face.

I don't even remember what she looked like.

So tell me why...

I searched for her.

Hoped for her.

Begged for another dream, another moment with this woman that felt intimately

Like my own.

Tell me why it felt too real to be purely subconscious-concocted fantasy

And why I hold out hope for a feeling like what she gave me then when I'm so...

Trapped.

Trapped in my thinking.

Or rather, the thinking that was taught to me.

You can't be with a woman.

You can't disappoint your parents in that way.

Truth is... I still hope I find her.

Even though I know the chances are slim.

Because the feelings in that moment were real.

And I woke up with a slight hollowness from a loss I couldn't explain.

It's not like I need her.

It's not like I can't spend a lifetime never meeting The Girl in the Yellow Dress.

But because of her and...

So many other women, I can't help but dream.

That maybe I could find

Someone that isn't...

What I'm "supposed to" find.

Maybe I can love her.

Or them.

Perhaps even him, I dunno...

I'm not sure of many things about myself.

But I do know I am deeply sapphic.

It's a special kind of ache to know that if I ever did find a person to love and be loved by in that way,

The people in my life wouldn't take it lightly.

So maybe I'll shut my eyes again.

And reminisce the day I told them who I was.

And imagine it didn't go badly.

Imagine they reacted like Lito's mother from Sense8

Or Nick's from Heartstopper.

Imagine I live somewhere a little kinder to love of all shades and hues.

Imagine a me that was never burdened by so many expectations.

And perhaps

After all that dreaming,

I'll step away from being a Sleeping Beauty for a while

And learn how to make all those visions of prettier things a reality.

Or try to, anyway.

Ifunanya m, I'm coming.

I promise I'll try to.

I spent my entire life being taught the importance of shame and fear

In everything I've ever done

But I swear...

I will learn to let myself go.

And search for you in the noise.

If I don't?

If you never even existed,

Whether in a past lifetime or this one?

I think you would be proud regardless, obi m

To know that your lover did their very best to love themself the way they know you would have.

So don't worry about me.

Forget all about it.

You're probably safer in a world of fantasy

Than out here among the other lost dreamers pining for more and more magic still

On a floating ball along the cosmos.

I'll always have that bittersweet feeling to remember you by.

And you can keep that small piece of me

As yours

Forever.