Just something I need to get out(8/24/23)

I smile, but have a hard time believing I'm happy. Everyday feels like the ending dragging on, whether it be because of work or my long term worries of my family. I have a girlfriend, but sometimes I wish I could legitimately be by myself, if only for one week in a room only I can walk into. I don't even know, if I started crying, if it would be for attention or the release of tension. This desperate yearning to have a meaningful impact on some unknown group has really torn me down. I need to stay away from most social media, at this point. It does nothing for me. I'm not really fine. I'm not suicidal, but not great. I sleep like I survive:awkwardly and with hesitation. Man, even looking at what I'm writing, in this moment, I simultaneously want to be better and gone. Can't do that, though. my mom wouldn't recover. My siblings wouldn't either. Who am I to take away that part of their lives. Might as well stick it out.