I Love Lucy

Off The Record with Lucille Ball

The following expert is an interview with beloved comedic legend Lucille Ball, star of her own sitcom “I Love Lucy.” The interview was recently rediscovered in the vaults of Readers Digest Magazine and transcribed verbatim. It was originally recorded on an itty-bitty-little-tiny cassette tape created for Smurfs, sleuths, spies, and serious journalists. The sound quality is atrocious, and it’s presumed Lucy didn’t know she was being recorded. It’s pretty weird.

Readers Digest (RD) – Tell me something people don’t know about your show “I Love Lucy.”

Lucy – Ricky Ricardo doesn’t say “Lucy, I’m home.” He says “Honey, I’m home.” Soul crushing, right?

RD – Are you a natural redhead?

Lucy – No, I’m a natural grayhead. We don’t film in Technicolor.

RD – Do you own an adorable puppy dog?

Lucy – Yes. I named her Lucy after the best person I know…myself. Lucy loves eating miniature ducks.

RD – Where do you find miniature ducks?

Lucy – Lucy and I steal them from my neighbor’s pond. They’re regular size when we snatch them up. Then we go home and shrink the ducks with my ray gun. Lucy also eats caviar and kangaroos. She grows wings after midnight, communicates with the dead, and collects shark teeth.