Cool Cats Phoning Home and Jesus’s Favorite Fishing Pole

Reasons my cat might be a CIA agent...

1. He never smiles.

2. He looks bad ass in his all black suit.

3. He's so stealthy. I didn't even know I had a cat until now.

Reasons the aliens left without bothering...

1. We ugly.

2. We make up weird butt rumors about them.

3. They kept calling us but no one ever picked up the goddamn phone.

Why the FDA actually approves of alcohol and nicotine...

James Dean looked so fucking cool smoking a cigarette, and Jesus loved wine so much that his blood was 100% cabernet. If Hollywood and God approve, the FDA can't argue with that logic. No cap.

Excuses to call out of work so you can go fishing...

1. I ran out of dead fish to hide in the ceiling tiles of my enemies houses.

2. Doctor prescribed more Vitamin D and B12 if I want to increase my productivity at work, so giving me the day off today will only be a benefit for you tomorrow.

3. This job sucks. I'm gonna need the day off if you ever want to see me again.

Wait...what is that hiding in the corner?

My new black cat! Looks like he's smoking a cigarette. He's so fucking cool.