To Answer an Experiment

One. Why my Cat is A CIA Agent.

1. One day I was listening to “Party in the CIA” by Weird Al Yankovic and Jake decided to jump onto the counter and fall into the sink while I was washing my hands.

2. He looks out the backdoor longingly whether or not we feed him, always watching for the next squatter, intruder.

3. He was in a cage when we got him so we’re lucky to get him out and back into action. POW.

Two. Why the Aliens Left Without Bothering.

1. All the graphic designed t-shirts and Mars bars made them feel so self-conscious that most of them either ended their own lives or simply left without another word.

2. After Michael Jordan destroyed the Mon-STARS, a collective agreement was reached to stay away from tall people; the Dutch are now alien-free.

3. When they tried to takeover New York, they felt they needed to know the lay of the land before an attack. A homeless guy yelled at one of them because they weren’t folding their pizza and so they decided maybe Earth wasn’t actually that great of a stronghold.

Three. Why the FDA Approves of Alcohol and Nicotine.

1. If the FDA didn’t approve of these things, multiple assassination attempts would completely destroy the entirety of the program. All of their food would be drugged, poisoned, full of rat hair and poop.

2. Each and every president of the United States vaped at some point in their career. George Washington‘s dentures were specifically made so that the vape would slide in easy. William Henry Harrison’s vape shocked him from the rain water during his inauguration, resulting in premature death. Lyndon B. Johnson was famously so addicted to his vape that he named it “Jumbo.”

3. The FDA is heavily addicted to both substances. Fat, Dumb Americans.

Four. Excuses to Go Fishing.

1. “Listen, my car stopped working and I was going to have it fixed but I can’t find the number to the car company to fix my car, so I’m going to have to fish my way there. I should make it in time before the store closes, but I wanted to call to let you know that I’m on the way, okay? Alright.”

2. “My buddy got into some legal trouble and I was going to go to work, but he was telling me he hasn’t had a good meal since Vietnam, so I’m gonna have to take him fishing today to fix him up something nice.”

3. “Yeah, uh, I’m not feeling very well today, so I’m gonna be missing work here.. I’ve been using Tinder a lot these past few days, getting into the groove, as they call it these days. So if you hear me say “I caught one!” it just means I have a new match, and I’m pretty excited about that.”

Five. What’s Hiding Behind the Corner?

1. My fishing hook.

2. My cat Jake.

3. Lyndon B. Johnson with a vape in his mouth. Oh my God, what is he doing with my cat!