‘Love’ for a Romantic.

It was a prayer. My beginning of this all.

As a kid, I wondered about my future, and now I see a blank tunnel. I know somewhere it ends and there is light, but a mere thought of walking alone in the dark glued me still.

Nursery. Kindergarten. Junior school. Middle school. High school.

I don't know how I walked through those all, but I sure did. And now I forgot.

And it was High school that made the difference. A love, in fact. A boy.

The prayer for my first love.

I was unaware. Lost in my haze of stress. Newly out of the depression phase.

Focusing on the people around me. Trying my best to keep them beside me.

That's what I was then. And it should have stayed like that. Then a lot wouldn't have happened.

But on my most embarrassing moment, I saw that smile.

Falling for a smile?? Yes.

It's funny, yet romantic. And I still laugh it off.

Curiosity, on that day, was in the control of the cupid.

I can't find any other excuse. And for so long, I was blind.

The way fate works is truly unpredictable. In a scary way. And I'm running on its palm.

That leaves me troubled.

I read romance books. A lot. But I've undoubtedly found romance in real life a pain. Truly. It was troublesome and dramatic. It was tedious and distracting. It restricted my freedom, and I would never have that.

It makes us change our priorities and takes our constants away. And most of all... It leaves us broken.

Its precisely because I read romance that I knew falling was the worst.

And that's exactly what happened.

You could say it was typical. A part of a teenager's life. An experience worth experiencing. You could laugh it off while reading, saying "Ain't this a normal thing?". And I would agree. It's meant to be normal.

If you ignore the fact that I didn't know anything about him then and even now. And the fact that I pretty much still have those feelings.

I still hope for the day I see a glance of him, despite the nonexistent chances of him coming back.

I still hope for him to be mine, despite everything that's unfolded till now.

I've read falling in love is like falling in an endless pit, and I couldn't agree more.

Did I try to move on? Yes.

Did I try to turn away? Yes.

Did I try to forget? Yes.

And did any of it work? None.

I prayed.

Starting from him to be my partner to, now, get a better partner.

Starting from being a better person for him to, now, a better person for all.

I started everything I'm doing right now after the encounter with him.

Was he my motivation? I'm not sure.

But he was among the reasons, that's for sure.

I was scared.

I didn't want to fall.

I didn't want more reasons to cry.

I didn't want those sleepless nights.

I didn't want those jealous moments of possessiveness.

And I was glad.

I didn't have too many of sleepless nights.

I didn't feel jealous as he laughed with his lover.

And I didn't do anything to regret.

Not then...

And how I got to here, was an absolute mess.