I Left My Coat Somewhere

I lie awake pulling energy from your skin

While the mug threatens to spill tea all over the sheets

And the further we drop into our illusions

The harder the night feels to your tired mind,

Into the absence of thought about the hundreds

Who won't have the energy channeled,

Don't even risk spilling their tea,

Have never seen outside the box of another cycle complete,

And the box in the back of the drawer tempts their itching wrists,

The bottle behind the mirror wets their bile-sour throats.

I can't sleep, but it isn't your fault.

In another year I'll feel the same,

Twisted up in caffeine oil-rag wringing

And prosecco I didn't want anyway,

But it's bad luck to cheers with an empty glass,

And you wanted more enthusiasm when you asked

If I'd kiss you at midnight.

Maybe that's just me,

Imagining my ghosts reflected in your mirrors,

Remembering the years I've landed in that

Back-of-the-drawer seduction,

And it was my own hand that drew the energy from my flesh.

Could you tell my old lovers to stay home this year?

Could you tell them I can't come into the city

When a stranger calls me from their phone at 2am

And tells me all they could say was my name?

I'm away in the mountains, too far to reach the club

Before the shadows of the rising sun

creep their way over their unsteady legs.

I don't want to come anyway.

I've got other lovers to sit beside,

Faces that exist three inches from my own

When I turn to them in the half-light,

And some that stay far away

Even in the light of day.

I love them too, you know.

And you, though five and three and two mornings

Steeped in illusion, tea-spilling, and wrist-itching

Stretch between us like avalanche probes left out in the snow.

In the morning (same one, same one) my water is hot

And my desire cooled by the icy tub,

To a steam and a breath on the glass

That tells me I'm only a body

And a collection of words tied together by their gaps.

You must not fault a net for having holes.

Let's go once more around the Sun,

Pretend once more that it's happening

Different than last time--

The same as last time--

And decide whether we want to follow the tracks

Through the fence to where the sheep graze,

Or backwards until they vanish on the hillside

Leaving us staring at each other in confusion and wonder.

Blessed we bless each other

With love-bites and movement,

And conversations that make my starving mind begin to swoon,

And distance like a fraying blanket

Over all the land between us

Which is nothing at all,

Because we're here too,

And the blanket never uncovers my body

No matter how much you pull during the night.

You hold the tea in your lap and fall into me,

Thank you, thank you.

What would I do if you weren't here?

It's hard to use the whole body.

I'm always here.

Always...always...

Under your skin,

In your stare you can't explain,

In your love and love-doubt,

In your shame,

In your name.