In Ruins
{ This is an excerpt of a long term story I have been writing. It is one of the best descriptions about teenage loss that I have written in awhile. But because it is so long (4585 words) I've cut away a lot of it to make it more bearable.}
I missed out on school for the next week. I couldn't just go back; everything remind me of him. The halls, the students, the teachers, his locker that sat right across from my own. I couldn't bring myself to do it. When I did finally go to school it was as if everyone was grieving like I was. They all wore black like I did. They all cried and told me how sorry they were for my lose.
I wanted to wear Charlie's variety jacket, but it was very tattered. I hated the thought of what might have happened to the boy I loved. The thought that he was not here with me. I spent most of my days locked up in my room. I didn't talk to my friends much outside of school anymore. I just wanted to be alone.
Was this what depression felt like? Was it like this black hole I had now entered? Was it a feeling of utter emptiness filling up the void where my heart once rest? Was it no longer living - felling like my soul had been taken from my being - simply breathing; going on with no meaning? It was this empty feeling at the pit of my stomach from not eating. It was the loneliness of my lips without his. It was the the wetness of my face after crying.
Weeks had past and I had never felt so alone. This is what depression was; I now understood all those suicidal teenagers that no longer wanted to drag on in life this way. I knew the feeling of loneliness when in a room full of people. I understood crying for what seemed like no reason at all. I understood all the sad songs that played and every word reminded me of him; of my Charlie.
I couldn't do it any longer. In fact; I was tempted to end all the pain and suffering that a broken heart caused. It hurt to much to even go back and think about it. I was at an all time low and I didn't want to be there anymore. After another two weeks things seemed to go back to normal at Riverdale High. They continued on as if nothing had happened. It was like I was the only one still holding on. I was the only one who stilled cried. I was the only one who still wore black. I was his fallen mistress; the only person who still cared after he had gone.
There was something inside of me telling me that Charlie wasn't gone forever. That he was just watching us. That he was waiting for the perfect time to come back into our lives once again. That part of me was correct; and if I had only known back then, I would have warned myself. I would have told myself not to mourn for such an extensive period of time. I would have told myself not to think so darkly and listen to sad songs all hours of the night. I wouldn't have allowed myself to go so far; but I couldn't warn myself.
The nights were long. They were harder to get though than the days. During the day I had school, friends, family, things to detract myself. During the nights it was just me and thoughts of Charlie. They ate away at my inside in vivid color of what might have happened. Scenes of blood and mad men all in the fault of Charlie's mysterious disappearance.
I didn't want to think too deeply about the details of what might have happened, but my mind did not allow me to do as I wish then. It was a controlling factor in my life. It made me think and do things the normal Natalie wouldn't think or do. I hated it; not knowing who I was anymore. I use to love who I was because of what we were; Charlie and I. We were something special. He was my heart and I wasn't afraid to admit it. To think that my very heart might be gone forever struck fear into my very core. ©