The Embrace

I closed the front door behind me and lazily hung up my satchel on the coatrack. I savored a deep sigh, feeling a heavy tug on my heart as I continued forth to the couch. My eyes could barely remain open, I felt a headache begin to congregate behind my left eye and my hair was all out of place. My patience had worn as thin as a single thread and the events of the day had not made it any better. Everything felt so… opposite of effortless. To finish a single paper seemed to take just about everything from me, to talk with a coworker for 5 minutes felt like 5 years.

Despite my tired demeanour I kept feeling this anxiety, this overarching nervous energy created from nothing but irritability. While I could hardly stand to stay awake, I knew all too well that sleeping would be just as difficult a challenge.

As I approached the couch I just… stared at it. I stood motionless in front of it, knowing I had nothing left to give. My brain couldn’t even make the simple decision of whether to sit down or not.

Through my dissociation, I suddenly heard a quiet but audible sound from my right. I took my gaze to the bedroom door where my boyfriend stood. I was suddenly aware of my blank stare as he took a few steps closer to me.

”Hey, are you okay? You seem a little… preoccupied.” He asked. I was wracked with indecisiveness: I didn’t want to worry him or burden him with my problems like I had with others in the past. I also knew my distain was far from invisible and lying to him felt useless. In my panic, I used what little bit of strength I had left to give a slight smile.

”Oh, it was just a tough day that’s all, I’ll be okay!”

I watched as he continued walking forward, stopping a mere foot away from me as he stared into my eyes. I stared back, looking between his eyes as my throat began to feel twisted and closed. His face was neutral as he studied my every move. I knew he could see the glint in my eyes and the salt left behind in streams on my cheeks. I was ready for him to yell at me, tell me to suck it up, let me know I was too emotional. But instead, as I closed my eyes and tears fell once again down my face, all I felt was him. His arms caressed me with a gentle firmness that swallowed my every inhibition. His hands slowly stroked my back as his head rested on my shoulder. I tried to hold back, but I let myself become vulnerable in the face of his kindness, his pure understanding. I embraced him, holding him tightly as I let every ounce of exhaustion leave my body.

I was warm.

I was safe.

I was loved.