Pretend

I pretend all the time now

I pretend you went on a long trip instead of dying

I’m doing better than I really am

I am coping so well

that I don’t need to ugly cry

Because you died

I pretend I still hear you

That every house noise I hear is you getting my attention

To let me know you are still around

(I think)

I pretend I am not so lonely that every fiber of my being aches to hear from you

I pretend to not be mad at you for dying so early

For leaving my daughter and son without a father

and me a widow

I pretend I don’t have enough sorrow to fill all the dark matter in the universe

I pretend I am not still mad at you

that I have forgiven you completely at least ten times

(not quite yet)

Maybe if I keep pretending

One day, I’ll believe my own bull crap