The Girl Who Was/The Woman Who Isn’t
Everything is not okay
Tired of settling for mediocrity
My spirit seemed to die
Slowly at first and then all at once
The flame went out and covered me in the ashes
How do I bring it back?
I'm not old enough for it to cease
Left one child in the dust, without my love or guidance
She deserved so much more than I was able to give
Do I deserve to live with the magical abundance of unconditional love her sister gives me?
Probably not
Words used to flow through me like the lasting sands of time
A cold glass of water gracing my lips on a hot and humid day
Constantly quenching an undeniable thirst for the nectar of truth
I feel it there somewhere
Right beside me, not quite within me
Not close enough to touch but just to tease
That fire. the fight
Left in a state of constant freeze or fawn
I don't recognize my own reflection
Who the fuck is this person?
Pictures of my past lives show a girl filled with youth and vitality
That she spoiled
She hated herself
But she was hot
That's all gone
Who is this frumpy, lifeless, almost middle-aged woman who looks like her mother
How do I bring back the girl with windblown careless hair and curious eyes
I don't want her insecurities
Her selfish ways
Her devious head
The trauma she handles with drugs and drink
I want her heart
Carefree gorgeous spirit
Lust for life
A fire that burned so bright that the darkness could barely touch her
She could have ended it, could have been nothing but dust
But she made it
Now I just feel lie a million pieces of me scattered everywhere
No energy or chance to put them back together
Cut so deep that fixing myself would cause me to bleed out in seconds
So why try
Is it "healing" when I don't recognize myself, don't know myself and definitely wouldn't want to meet younger me for coffee
Younger me wouldn't make it if she knew who I was today
I was meant to be something else
Something more
Someone that matters
Help others
Because I lived
So why do I feel so trapped...
And how do I get out?