Gatekeeping

Put on a show for all to see or rather wear a disguise and try my best not to be seen.

To be seen for who I truly am, could spell the end for the life I have created.

It happened slowly not all at once.

Being the good girl became who I am.

Never late, never miss a deadline.

Never lose my cool and don’t dare cry when others can see.

Don’t wear anything that draws too much attention, and don’t talk or laugh too loud.

Don’t inconvenience anyone, make sure not to upset them, and don’t I dare do anything silly and embarrassing.

Don’t talk about politics or religion, because maybe my views don’t align with theirs. Just nod my head and say a lot without really saying anything.

All of this, because I learned a long time ago that being expressive is often not accepted. I can be too much. Best to play it safe.

So now I consider myself a gatekeeper to my true self, and only when I am alone can I take some time off.

As I look around, I wonder if gatekeeping is a popular profession, but I suppose I would never really know.