yours to keep

if i could tell you i love you, i would do it in the midst of silly jokes and you calling me a shithead

i would roll onto my stomach next to you and press the side silhouette of my body against yours like a puzzle piece that fits perfectly

i would nonchalantly flip my hair part to the other side and trace my finger across your lips that have spoken poetic phrases that i would never even think to assemble in the same monologue as a string of curse words

i would purse my lips and smile and tell you how i have always been afraid of failing to say what i want to say before it is too late

he will probably look off to the side as his mind races to seek out a time in his life in which those words can relate

and i will wait for his response even if the resulting story is 10 miles long and 15 years old but when i am sure he is done i will have hopefully bubbled up the courage to say

“i love you”

because truer words have never been spoken

and i will hesitate thereafter, expecting you to blow up or punch me in the face or something, who knows

but i have waited much to long

and this is the only truth i have never admitted to you

and then ill say “please don't freak out”

i will say it after the fact so that he doesn't get freaked out just by me saying it initially

and i will tell him that i am not saying it for him to say it back, that i don't care if he does or he doesnt, that that is not the point

but that i just need to release it into the open in the dorm room air between us

as we lay side by side, on top of wrinkled forest green sheets and yes, my mind is lost in the wilderness

it will be the first time i say those words aloud to a man

and probably about the 5th time he has heard them spoken in a delicate voice similar to my own

but it doesn't matter because if i dont, our promise to speak our minds and keep our cool on the receiving end will be incomplete

and these words sum up perfectly the way i feel my eyes shine when we are in the same room

the way that all i want to do is make contact with you when we are in the same vicinity

the way i tightly grasp onto every gesture and every word you say like it is the most beautiful seashell as the racing current tries to slip it away

so i don't mind if you do not return those three words to me

they will still always be yours to keep.