10 Reasons I’m Dumping You

One - You embarrass me in public, sometimes in front of hundreds of people, just to watch me blush.  Do you have a blush fetish?  Is there such a thing?  I just don't get it.

Two - You make sense zero percent of the time.  I can't decipher your nonsense and I'm exhausted from trying.

Three - We fight 24/7. And see point number two.

Four - Margo.  Need I say more on this?  And yes, you totally did.  Again.  I haven't been keeping track.  Is that fifty broken promises?

Five - The smoking.  Really?  In 2017?  It kills you.  Stop it.

Six - I was twenty minutes late so you left the restaurant on our one year anniversary?

Seven - I did not "gain five pounds", but thanks for saying so in front of the neighbors.

Eight - Kaiser.  Yes, the dog.  It's not his fault, but (1) you let him lick your toes when we're watching TV, (2) he sleeps between the two of us and (3) you smell like him...often.  I'm not sure exactly why that is (and I'm not sure I want to know), but it's off-sides.

Nine - The excessive yogurt scraping.  Those last five or six scrapes are totally unnecessary.  Really, it's all gone now.  I will give you $1 to buy another.  Just please leave the cup alone.

Ten - In all the fights, all the times I've cried, you've hugged me only one time that I can remember.  Inexcusable.  This is bare minimum stuff.  You are putting in zero effort, so I'm 100% done.  Have fun with Margo and the toe licking.  Maybe Kaiser can teach her a thing or two...