It Doesn’t Matter...

If I put this cigarette out on my calf...

If my Friday night dress is bloody...

If I sleep all day, and skip work again...

If boys take tequila shots off my body...

If I trace the old scars with a new blade...

If I burn myself again with a glass pipe...

If I'm missing days, holes in my memory...

If my son is on the run and I can't help...

If the man I love left me all alone here...

If I cry hopeless tears on the bathroom floor...

If my brother doesn't answer when I call...

If the bruises on my legs are shaped like fists...

If I give blowjobs cuz a boy paid attention...

If he fucks me in the ass and I don't care...

If I crush these 14 green pills to powder...

If I carve AJEM into my stomach...

If I answer the fucking door on Day 15...

If I'm banging my own head on the wall...

If I just don't want to go on...

If I drink a 5th of gin in the hot tub...

If the tongue in my mouth is repulsive...

If I call the bluff of cops who like to bully...

If the oil in my vape is actually THC...

If the hotel crew knows me by my car...

If boys do lines of coke off my ass...

If my blood is dripping on the carpet...

If I get pictures of the cops' unofficial visits...

If my son is almost as scared as I am...

If I sit waiting all night for a phone call...

If my stupid feelings get hurt yet again...

If I'm sitting on the floor in my closet...

If the panties in my bed aren't mine...

If I get high and then I get higher...

If the one I love can't love me back enough...

If my scars stay hidden under clothing...

If my son takes the same dark path I did...

If the cat eats more food than I do...

If I wake up at 3PM in a stranger's bed...

If I broke the windows of my car in a rage...

If I'd give anything to make it stop hurting...

If my mattress grows heavy with blood...

If I'm coughing after hitting the bong...

If the boy in my bed has a wife and kids...

If I find my son's weed in the laundry...

If I hide inside, avoid all human contact...

If the class I should've taught today was

cancelled when I failed to show...

If I seek numb, cuz I gave up on happy...

If I found a way to stop my ex's revenge...

If I carve my son's name on my forearm...

If my voice interrupts Texas party time...

If I reach out for help, but everyone's busy...

If I'm screaming and lost and all alone...

If I slice the soft skin of my earlobe...

If I take a pair of clippers to my long hair...

If I'm missing when I picture the future...

If I fail to escape with my son in time...

If I'm tired of fighting and hiding

If I'm scared and have no where to run

If I'm sick of my fake smile and phony voice.

If i get tag teamed by two cops to purchase

my son's freedom...

If Texas is too busy, cuz it's Friday night...

If I'm a heartbroken wreck of foul shame...

If I'm dying here alone...

I've learned that it doesn't matter...

Nothing matters...

My pain, my joy, my fear, my hope, my love

It's not your problem...

I'm not your problem...

There's a liberation that comes with knowing

Nothing I do changes one damn thing....

There's a freedom that comes with acceptance

My feelings are mine alone to live with or not

There's an absolution in making the decision,

There is the sweetest sanctification

in giving up...