Dear Therapist

Hey!

So- weird thing, hehe. My heart is kinda pounding. Not in a "I just ran a bunch" kind of way... More like... On and off I guess? Irregular? I'm googling irregular heartbeat.

"The most common cause of heart palpitations is stress and anxiety"

Well. That's solves it. But I figured you'd want to know anyway so I'll just explain a little more.

I haven't been running by the way. I just watched a very intense season finale and then had a very long, emotional phone call about it with my friend. We talked about the 3 crazy plot twists and the cliffhanger. The next season doesn't start for a while. 

So maybe that's why my heart is off? I dunno. It just felt uncomfortable and scary. It's also odd because- well.

You of all people know that I'm a crier. I cry easily and I'm pretty sensitive. Especially to movies and TV. But... no tears for this season finale.

Favourite character gets her happy ending and it's more perfect than anything she could ever hope for? No happy tears. It all gets taken away in one cruel, unexpected trick of fate? No sad ones either.

My friend said over and over "I cried during that scene!" And I said I did too just to feel normal.

I'll bring up the elephant in the room. Yeah, I just went through a break up. And yeah, I was crying in bed for days after. But I don't think I'm cried out.

I went to a party the other day, you see. A party I'd been planning with a friend for months. And I was utterly sad about my break up. So the first thing I did before the party is I went to the bathroom, took all of my sad feelings and shoved them deep down where they couldn't be seen. I wasn't going to let my sadness get in the way of my friend's good time.

And when someone brought up my ex I changed the subject. And when I felt the tears coming, I tucked them out of sight and made a joke instead.

I've been bottling everything for a while now, about 3 days and I think because I've been forcing everything down, I don't know how to bring it back up anymore.

So what does this have to do with my heart?

My favourite teacher once said something... 

I find that things he's said to me, even when they're not logical, have always rung true and even though he seemed like he wasn't a very responsible person, he seemed very wise. Kind of like Dumbledore who was kind of a loony but still the wisest loony. 

(Sidenote- we used to call this teacher Gandalf because of his long grey beard and ponytail. He once said to us, "If you call me Gandalf, YOU SHALL NOT PASS")

So I still remember things he's said to the class years ago. They still pop up in my head today when something like this happens.

One time he said to us that his brother didn't cry when his mother died. Apparently, the story goes, that Mr T himself went to pieces at the news but his brother remained stoic, even at the funeral when all 5 siblings were there, all shedding tears.

And the brother who didn't cry, Mr. T informed us, died of a heart attack at the ripe old age of 45. Or was it 50?I don't remember the age, except that it was not ripe enough and not old enough for him to die.

"It's because he bottled it" Mr. T explained, "he kept it all inside and eventually his heart couldn't take it."

It seems like a good time to mention that Mr. T was a literature teacher who taught Shakespeare better than anyone and saw everything as symbolic and metaphorical. In Mr. T's world, every gun is Chekhov's gun.

We have that in common. (Though I've found that stressing out about Chekhov's gun usually means it's Chekhov's red herring.)

Anyway... It just feels like that's what's happening. I'm bottling and my heart is giving out.

And I just want to cry about my break up, dammit. I want to shed tears at the funeral of my relationship so I can give my heart a break.

It feels like I am the main character of my story. Mr T was the wise old Dumbledore/Gandalf/Yoda type character who warned me about this. And the heart palpitations are foreshadowing. And the break up and the depression and the anxiety are all just the trials and obstacles I have to get past to become a better person...

I guess I'm just waiting for my character development chapter to finish so I can get on with the plot. 

Yeah.

Yours sincerely,

Me.