death of a gold star

i do not move

as i stare down the barrel-

it would take too much effort

and i am far too tired

to wage a war i won't win

i never knew how cold

metal feels

pressed against your forehead-

like a kiss from your mother

but warmer

my heart pounds

until it screams

but my chest

has been yelling

all day

my hands shake

they make certified richter scale earthquakes-

no thanks to him

i knew how to break down

before he ever came around

to give me a reason to

i do not want to die

but i do not want to live

my call to death-

when i begged death for his hand-

must've gotten through

i am more worried

about the state of

my alarm clock

than i am

about this man

-i hope i reset the time-

i do not move

but my eyes dart towards

the purple folder

in my backpack-

he probably thinks

it's hiding a knife

i carry more concern

for my math homework

than i do for

my life