i tell her im sorry

after the fact

laying there bleeding

flat on her back

her face isnt a face

but instead a painting of fear

i kneel down to her

and wipe her blood like a tear

but where to hide her

in the woods? no

i want to keep her

but no one can know

i didnt mean to kill her

but these things go too far

i just wanted a friend

but things fall apart

so i take her head

and give the rest to the pigs

she'll be preserved

and pretty like this

I took the time to look around

At the hunched backs and bent necks

And the tears falling on a screen

I realize the wasted time

The autotuned screams

The pixelated faces

And girls who are fake

Or animated vulgarly

Scared to look real issues in the face

Like the amount of depression

And amount of pure worry

And children just wanting the future to hurry

Forget the enjoyment of the imagination

Nay the fear of face-to-face confrontation

or the character building we desperately desire

or the first time of feeling love's fire

let us find our religion in the left or the right

or what the internet says at 3 at night

let our blood run RBG

and our brains on dark mode

and believe anything

that Mark Zuckerburg wants to show

but for me

don't give me a screen

Or the fake ecstasy of pixels dancing

Give me a pen

i ask myself who i'd be

if i didnt commit that night

to do what i said id do

who says what wrong and right

"she was innocent" they say

"did nothing wrong at all"

my sister would sing a different tune

but the judge makes the final call

he doesn't love me

but that okay

better to be safe than sorry

so stab me through the heart

again again again again and again

and when the torture is over

the scars will become stories

so please keep hurting me

so that maybe one day I can write a book

and smile at the thanks on the first page

where your name will stay

even if I wanted to write it with you

I can be a footnote in your book

where our paths divide

I can leave with a smile

we'll both forget

until someone brings the other up

and we'll both laugh

with different memories

different versions of each other

but show up at each other's weddings

and clap at the kiss

i don't care if you love me

or kill me

because i promise to the ends of the earth

i'll be yours

and i'll love you until my

body breaks

so please break my

heart

then the grass

firm beneath my feet

seems to become unsteady

he's sure to look for me

every man i see

looks a little bit like him

but i promise i wont die

im not going out like this

but then again im tired

and woth him i'd have a place to stay

but i have to stay strong

and focus on getting away

because though i'd have a bed

i'd have a hard time sleeping

scared of the knife

and he's scared of the secrets i'd be keeping

so off i go into

the woods paranoid and naked

and hopefully find a town

and find a police station

but if i dont

cuz i know i wont

i can say that i tried

if it kills me

i tried

sneaky little thing

slipping through my grasp

i just can't let it go though

but i'm wanting it to last

i love it like a drug

and hate it just as much

trapped inside addiction

like a violent form of lust

i'll get there i know

but right now im a mess

like a broken jigsaw puzzel

im picking up the peices i left

but it's stuck to me

like a parasite of sorts

like a Stockholm Syndrome

like a ship never pulling into port

i love it, hate it

leave it and come back

like a toxic relationship

i just want something can't have

i love it like a drug

and hate it just as much

trapped inside addiction

like a violent form of lust.

shes sighs at the table and signs the paper

she hugs me

and tells me it's going to be okay

"5 minutes" the lady in the suit says

tells me she loves me

and that she didnt mean it

straightens my clothing

"it'll just be a weekend or two"

an unplanned lie

the woman walks in the door

"i love you, Sweets. make sure she goes with her brother"

she says to me, then my social worker

only 2 visits afterwards

im 17 now

it's been 9 years